And let the chaos begin....

     Let me start by saying that getting sick while you're pregnant may be the worse thing EVER.  Tuesday night I developed symptoms closely related to food poisoning.  I was up until five a.m. sick before I could finally relax and get some sleep.  To make matters worse, all of the vomiting irritated my esophagus which made it painful to breath.  So at six o'clock this morning Brad (who had stayed up until 4:30 to prepare for his night shift tonight) had to get up and drive me to the emergency room.  I got to pay $100 for them to tell me that there was nothing they could do for me.  An hour after I got home they called and told me I have a UTI and will need to take antibiotics for the next ten days.  LOVELY!
     Can I please just go back to being healthy now?

We found out the gender!

It's hard to see in this picture, but on the right there is a computer cursor pointing to my son's family jewels. That's right, MY SON! Liam Allen David O'Conn. <3

It's Becoming Real....

     On Monday I saw the most incredible thing I've ever seen: I saw my baby move.  We sat in the dimly lit room watching a fuzzy screen as a ultrasound tech pressed a wand against my belly.  All of a sudden I saw what I knew was my little baby, but this tiny little miracle wasn't just curled up resting like I was expecting.  He (we have taken to referring to the baby as a male, but we don't know yet) was waving and kicking and even flipped! He looked like he was doing Tae Bo in my tummy!
     Now everything is starting to sink in. I'm going to be a mom.  I'm going to be responsible for another living being for the rest of my life. Forever.  I'm starting to worry about money.  I need a new car.  I'm scared that I won't be able to stay home after the baby is born.  I'm afraid that if I do need to go back to work, I won't have a job to go back too.  I'm afraid that I'll miss things.  I'm afraid that I'll make some terrible mistake that scares him or her for life.  I'm scared that I'll be a bad mom.
     I had a dream last night that I was telling someone how afraid I was that I couldn't do it.  In my dream, whoever I was talking to reached over and patted me on the head as if to say "Don't worry.  You can do this."  But I felt something physically touch my head hard enough to wake me up.  I looked up and it was my cat pushing on my head.  He has become strangely friendly since I got pregnant.  He sleeps with me every night and hangs out next to me on the couch every night when I get home.  But he has never woken me up before.  I'm not quite sure what that all means.
     I'm also dealing with the prospect of my parents selling my childhood home and moving across the country just a few months after the baby is born.  It scares me to have them so far away, but losing the home I grew up in scares me even more.  I grew up with seven acres of hills and trees around me, with coyotes and bobcats and mountain lions in the yard.  It was a beautiful, fascinating, magical place to grow up.  My parents always said they would leave it to me one day.  Now I'm trying desperately to find a way to keep it in the family so my children can experience the same awe and wonder that I did.  I am who I am because of that home.  I learned a love and respect of nature in all of it's forms.  I learned the value of wide open spaces.  I wake up every morning now to the sound of traffic in the street and it seems louder every day.  That house on the hill is nearly silent most of the time.  A single car on the street is a cause for attention.  Will my children ever know the beauty of silence without that house?  I wonder, and I am terrified.
     At the end of the day, I remind myself that I picked a wonderful partner to have a family with.  A man who loves with all his heart and shares the same core values that I have.  At my weakest points he has been my strength and times that could have torn us apart brought us closer together than I ever thought two people could be.  With him by my side I can figure it out.  I forget sometimes that creating a well-adjusted, happy human does not fall on my shoulders alone.  I have the best help in the world.  I love you, Brad.
    

My beautiful little love at 11 weeks 3 days. <3

Beautiful Little Baby

Monday was our first doctor's appointment. I was so nervous and excited. I didn't know what to think.
And then it didn't matter.  The second I saw that tiny blob and the flicker of a heart beat.  And then I HEARD it. The most beautiful 159 beats per minute that anyone has ever heard. My baby's heart beat.  I cried tears of joy and squeezed Brad's hand and wished I could listen to that "lub dub, lub dub" forever.
The doctor said everything looked perfect and I should be due May 17th.  Only about seven more months.  I can't believe it's really happening!

Still battling morning sickness....

     Yesterday I thought I had discovered the cure for morning sickness: Sea Bands.  I bought some after hearing what a miracle they were and within five minutes I felt fantastic. FINALLY!  Relief from my misery! This morning I woke up feeling ill, so I put my Sea Bands on and sat on the couch while I waited to feel fantastic again.  I flipped through some junk mail while I waited and came across a Denny's ad featuring what ordinarily would have looked like a damn tasty sandwich. I took one look at it, ran to the bathroom, and puked my brains out.  No easy feat considering I hadn't eaten anything.  So I moved to my next quick fix: ginger tea.  That did absolutely no good.  Then I decided to lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself before I had to drag myself to work. Surprisingly, that didn't help either.
     I don't know what to do!  I've actually been feeling better the last couple days.  I woke up without feeling sick instantly two days in a row.  I thought that meant I was getting better and this would be over soon.  Now I feel worse than ever!  I can hardly move or speak without wanting to throw up.  My only relief is sleep and I can only do so much of that.  I try to remind myself that this should be over in about six weeks or so and I try very hard not to cry when I think that I could do this for SIX MORE WEEKS! That is impossible!  How do women do this over and over again?  I thought labor and delivery was the worst part of being pregnant, and that results in a cute, cuddly baby.  Let me tell you, NOTHING resulting from morning sickness has been cute or cuddly so far.  If anyone has any suggestions, and I mean ANYTHING that might end this hell, please tell me!
     On a more positive note, my first doctor's appointment is on Monday.  I can't wait!  I'm nervous too, but I think that's pretty normal.  I'll be 8 weeks by then, so we should be able to see the heartbeat.  I've already warned Brad that I will cry so he better be ready for it.  I just keep holding onto the thought of seeing that little heartbeat for the first time and it's the only thing that reminds me why I'm willing to puke every fifteen minutes.

Morning sickness must die!

     I think it's finally starting! I haven't actually thrown up yet (but lord knows I've tried!) but I feel absolutely ill every morning.  From the time I wake up until usually about noon I just want to curl up and die.  So far I've found that water helps.  I took a short walk with the dogs this morning and that helped a little bit too. I bought a huge box of saltines today so hopefully that will put a dent in this.
     Also, I can't stop crying.  I cry about everything.  This week I cried over my dance class.  Our teacher started a new choreography and I had a hard time with one of the moves.  So I cried.  This happened a few days before I found out I was pregnant too.  WHAT THE HELL?! I hate it!  I might hate it even more than morning sickness!
     Finally, I think my mom knows I'm pregnant.  I haven't told her yet because I wanted to go to the doctor first.  Her birthday is just a few days after my appointment so I was going to give her the sonogram picture as a gift.  But my doctor's office sent my appointment card to her house --after they said they had set the system to not send one at all-- which says which department my appointment is in.  The night she received the card she sent me a random text at like, 10 pm telling me she loved me.  Then today she sent me a video that she insisted I HAD to watch if I wanted healthy babies.  And when I got on FaceBook today she had sent me a very emotional quote.  Something about a mother loving a daughter like her baby no matter how old she is and that even if she can't make all my decisions for me she will still support me no matter what.  I almost wish she would just ask me about it already!
     Ta ta for now!
     XOXO

I'm way too paranoid.

So today I decided my boobs didn't hurt as bad as they have lately. Instead of being grateful to be more comfortable I completely panicked. Something must be wrong. I must have lost the baby.  I tore the bathroom apart and found a long lost unused pregnancy test. I was terrified of what the results might be. No sooner had the pee hit the stick than a bright pink line showed up clearer and quicker than ever.  I feel so silly but so relieved!

Mommy Fear

     I can tell Brad is afraid we will lose this one too. I can tell when he says "Let's wait to tell your family until things aren't so delicate."  I can tell because he has only told two of his close friends when before he told, like, five.
     In my heat, I feel that this one is safe. This has felt different from the beginning.  Still, last night as I tried to go to sleep I was overcome with fear.  I can't lose this one.  I just can't. I'll do whatever it takes to keep my baby safe and healthy. All the statistics say that having one miscarriage doesn't increase your chances of having another one. There's no reason to panic.  Right?

Dear Tadpole....

     My dearest, darling, tiny tadpole (so called because that's what my pregnancy book says you look like right now),
     Two days ago two little pink lines confirmed that you were growing inside of me. But I've known for at least a week now.  I felt my body changing like it changed a few months ago. But I felt something different too. I don't know how to explain it, but I knew you were there, I knew I was going to be you're mommy.
     We don't get to go to the doctor until the first of October, but according to my pregnancy tracker I'll get to meet you in about 35 weeks.  I'm reading everything I can about what to do to keep you safe and healthy and about what you're probably doing right now.  I eat lots of veggies (still nit a big fan of fruit)
And I try to stay active but by the time I get off work I'm usually exhausted so I've been going to bed early too.
     I can't wait to see you, my precious little tadpole. Until then, stay safe and let me protect you until you're ready to come into the world.
    Love,
     Mommy
     XOXO

Mommy Strength

     A few months ago the pet salon I work in hired a new groomer, B.  She is one of the sweetest people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. She recently spend some time trying to comfort my best friend (she works with us too) about the tragic death of her boyfriend about a year and a half ago. B explained that she lost her husband under similar circumstances many years ago.  She went on to explain her troubled childhood which led to an equally troubled adulthood and that she wanted to give her son a happier life than she had.
    Recently B received some heart breaking news and exposed more of her life to us.  Her son --who is now in this thirties-- was born with Leukemia. B was still a teenager and had no way to provide him with the necessary medical care, so she chose to give him up for adoption.  Luckily, the family who took him have always allowed her to maintain a relationship with her son and they are very close.
     Last week, the only father B's son has ever known passed away.  B was heartbroken not only for her son, but because she had never gotten the chance to tell his man how grateful she was he would give her son what she could not and still allowed her to be a part of their family.
     Ever since B explained this all I have really been thinking about how strong you have to be to be a mother.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to decide to give up a child, even if you weren't planning to be a mother in the first place.  But to have the intention of keeping your child only to find out that he will DIE if you don't give him up... that's just unbearable. 
     I hope and pray that the child I will have one day (soon I hope!) is healthy. That is perhaps my biggest fear about being a parent, that my child will be sick and there will be nothing I can do to help him (or her).  So for any of you reading who are lucky enough to see your beautiful babies ever day, don't take a single moment for granted.  You are blessed.
     XOXO

Setting a Good Example: Love & Relationships

    A few weeks before my twenty-first birthday I ended yet another doomed relationship.  Prior to dating, the guy had been one of my best friends and we had had a crush on each other since high school.  After six months of nonstop drama I realized that we weren't heading in the same direction and that I didn't want to waste anymore of my life with him.  The next day my parents had to have my horse (and the first boy I'd ever loved) put to sleep.  I decided that if there was ever a time to drown my sorrows, this was the time.  Brad texted me through several large drinks and let me vent about how frustrating it was trying to find someone with common goals.  I told him my parents had set an impossibly high standard for what love was supposed to be like.  My dad worked hard so my mom could stay at home with me and he still found the strength to take care of all of the yard work when he got home every night.  They weren't perfect, but they were still the happiest couple I'd ever known.
     I never thought that less than a year later I'd have the same relationship with him that my parents have with each other. Now that we are trying to start a family of our own I'm thinking more about the kind of values I want to teach my children about love and relationships. So here we go!

1: Gut instincts are usually right. If you feel like something is wrong, it most likely is. And if you see someone for the first time and feel like you've just seen the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you just might.

2: Real love isn't easy.  You will get angry.  You will argue. Sometimes you may miss the single days when you could do whatever you want.  But if it's real love, the thought of leaving is unthinkable.

3: Real love is the easiest thing in the world: A bit contradicting, I know. But I promise, it's true.  You may bicker over money or taking out the trash.  But when it's real love being together comes naturally.  And when the big problems hit, your partner will be the best support you have.

4: Alone time is important.  Go out with your friends without your partner.  Sit alone in a coffee shop and read a book. Let your partner go out with his or her friends without the guilt of leaving your behind.  If you throw all of your energy into your relationship you wont have any energy left to be yourself.

5: Date night is important: I think some people feel like date night is frivolous, but it's not!  My parents spent twenty years focusing on getting the bills paid and giving me a good life.  I can't remember a time they did anything just for themselves.  That took it's toll.  After I moved out I noticed my parents taking weekend trips and going out to dinner and all of a sudden they became so much happier.  Make time to appreciate your partner and your will both be happier.

6: Be polite.  Don't forget your manners just because you've become comfortable with someone.  Say "please" and "thank you." Don't interrupt (I need to work on this one).  If you feel the urge to snap, think about what a stranger would think of you if they heard you saying whatever is trying to spill out of your mouth.  Think about how you would feel if your partner said the same thing to you.  Do your best to think before you speak and apologize when you slip.

7: Be strong enough to say "I'm sorry."  There will be times when you simply screw up.  We all do it.  When that time comes, be courageous and apologize.  It will go a long way.  But don't let your partner make you feel like you should feel bad for simply being different.  Hopefully you're gut instinct will tell you when this is happening.

He's hired!

Brad finished training in two days! He starts work Monday!  YAAAAAY!

Everything is falling into place....

Me and baby Jesse. <3

    I got to meet my latest nephew, Jesse, over the weekend.  Brad and I went to visit his mommy and I got to hang out with her and the boys (Christine and Eric had a twenty-month-old as well) while Brad worked on her car. I've actually never held a baby as young as Jesse (two and a half-weeks old at the time), and I LOVED it.  I forgot how much I missed babies.  Even the diaper changes made me happy.  In addition to meeting the new addition, I finally got his older brother, James, to warm up to me.  He has always loved Uncle Brad, who lived with them for a few months when James was still an infant.  But he has cried whenever we made eye contact for too long.  In the comfort of his own home he was completely different.  I got lots of hugs and slobbery kisses.  It was magical for me.
    Brad has started training for his new job this week!  After months of waiting to hear something --ANYTHING!-- he finally got called in for training and he should be ready for work in a week or so.  This is huge for us.  This job will give him (us, once we're married) health and dental benefits, and he will be making enough that I can stay home.  I'm practically counting down the days until I can quit my job. 
    This has also meant our schedule must change.  Brad has been able to sleep as late as he wants for the past few months while I've had to get up at 6 am to take care of the animals and get ready for work.  After I got home we would spend a few hours together until I fell to sleep on the couch, and Brad would wake me up to go to bed when he finally got tired several hours later.  Now we both get up at 5am (NOOO!!!!) and I pour him his coffee and warm him up something for breakfast while he regains consciousness.  While gets ready I pack his lunch and make sure he has his sunscreen and bottles of water.  A little after 7 I get a quick kiss and an "I love you," and then he's out the door.  This routine will start even earlier once he starts working.  I always used to make fun of my mom for waking up with my dad every day and making his coffee (and his breakfast, and his lunch...) before he left.  "He's a grown man," I would say. "He can make his own sandwich at four in the morning!"  Now that my dad has helped get Brad a job at the same company, I understand.  It's not just about doing something nice for him.  It's about showing support and gratitude for what he is doing for ME.  In a few months, I'll be able to stay at home and still live more comfortably than I did when I worked to support both of us.  And in time, I will be able to enjoy every beautiful moment of our child while he slaves away long days in terrible weather to keep us fed and happy.  He is blessing me with the life I have always wanted.
    I am hoping that now that this job is falling into place that other things will follow.  Brad's best friend --who has been impossibly understanding and supportive of our choice to have a family and who showed great concern for me when we lost the last pregnancy-- always says we will get a baby when the time is right.  I hope and pray that now is that time.  I think trying to conceive will be less stressful now that his job is getting started and will take a lot off of my mind.
    Wish us luck!
    XOXO

To the one I lost....

To you, the tiny being I never got to know, there is never a day I don't think about you.  There is never a day I don't think about that hard spot I could feel in my stomach, the spot I lost when I lost you. The other day your daddy and I were in a store and stopped to look at baby stuff.  He stopped behind me and wrapped his arms around me and suddenly I wondered how different things would be if you were still growing inside me. I wondered if you were a boy or a girl.  I wondered if you would have my curls and your fathers warm eyes. I wondered what you would have looked like in your grandfather's arms the first time he held you.  I cried right there in the isle.
I don't know how long it is acceptable to mourn you and when I just become the crazy, bitter woman who can't deal with life.  I only even knew you existed for less than a week before you were gone.  Am I supposed to still think about you every day, to wonder why you're gone, to wonder if you'll ever make it into this world and into my arms? Is it sick that you're all I want to talk about because talking about you makes it feel like you're not so far away?
Sometimes when I stop and think too long my throat aches and I can't breath and I feel so desperately lost without you, the tiny being I never got to know.
As I'm writing, a woman has just walked passed the door to the shop. Her belly is so huge and she's holding her husband's hand in the sunshine and I just want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
The doctors say that this just happens sometimes, but I can't force myself to believe it.  Something had to have happened, right? Something went wrong and I lost you.  What happened? What did I do?
I felt like a failure to your father when I couldn't keep you safe and I feel like a failure now for not being strong enough to keep my shit together while your father remains so calm, so strong.  Months later and here I am, broken down in tears at work trying not to look like a mess while customers come and go.
This grief is so sickening and sometimes it sneaks up on me and tears me down before I can prepare for it.  But you gave me the first taste of motherhood.  Because of you I know what it's like to love your father in a way that's only possible when you've created life with that person, and I know that I can get my strength from him when I can't be strong for myself anymore.
I may never know you little one, but I will always, ALWAYS love you.

It was so much easier when we WEREN'T trying....

I'm going insane.  When we got pregnant we weren't even trying yet.  We just thought of it as a surprise blessing dropped into our laps.  Whew! No stressing for months at a time wondering when it would happen.  It was just that easy!
It's only been less than two months since I lost the pregnancy, but it feels like a life time.  My constant waking thought is about fertility cycles, ovulation, and  babies.  I've got my cycles logged on my phone, on the calendar, and in my mind.  This takes the romance right out of making a baby.
Last night I bluntly reminded Brad that we had --uh-- business to attend to for the next several nights.
"How romantic," he replied sarcastically.
What else was I supposed to do? Casually dropping my towel after I got out of the shower hadn't worked the night before. Leaning in close and lingering during quick kisses didn't work.  I'm on a tight fertility schedule here and I don't have time to waste!
By my count, I should be ovulating today, and all I can think about is how unbearable the next few weeks will be waiting to find out if this was our lucky month or not. 
Is there anyway to regain control of my over-active mind?! :-(

No House Yet :-(

     Well, someone swooped in and bid an outrageous amount on the house we were trying to get.  So that one is off the table.  Brad is pretty bummed.  As nice as it would have been to own a house, I'm okay with the way things turned out.  I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that this house just wasn't the one for us.  Sure, it would have been a huge step forward for us, but we LOVE our apartment and our current location allows us to use our cars much less.  That's a big plus for me since I walk to work.  We're still looking, and I'm sure we will find the right house eventually.
      On a different note, our balcony garden is coming along beautifully!  I recently blew a ton of money at Home Depot on gardening supplies and now that we're running out of space we're starting to use hanging baskets.  We're also starting to move some of the more resilient plants inside. I'd post pictures but with our computer being dead it's a bit of a challenge.
     XOXO

Maybe a Home Owner!

     Well, we put in the bid on our dream house.  We were the second highest bid. Oh well. It wasn't meant to be.
     Wait. What's that? The highest bid didn't provide all the necessary information? He only has twenty-four hours to correct the information or the house is ours!
     I don't know if I should be excited or puke.  I suppose I'll find out when we find out for sure.
     XOXO

House Hunting

     So, our laptop died.  I don't mean it just isn't working right.  I mean it's totally fried.  So forgive me if my posts are few and far between.
     In other news, Brad and I are trying to buy a house.  My parents found a dirt cheap fixer upper just a few miles from the house I grew up in.  It's NOTHING like what I dreamt of but it's three bedrooms, two baths on a tiny spit of dirt that we will get to call our own if this all goes through.
     The house needs major work on the floors among other things.  But for the price we're offering it's well worth it.  I am so thankful for my parents who are helping us so much.  They helped me get the loan (the house will be in my name so Brad can buy later as a first time buyer) and we are using their realator who is just incredible.
     All prayers and positive energies would be greatly appreicated!
     XOXO

Our Love Story

     I've been dreading this day for two weeks.  When I found out I was pregnant I had planning on surprising Brad with his first Father's Day cards today; one from our unborn baby and one from me.  When I lost it this day seemed only to represent everything we couldn't celebrate.  But a few days ago I realized that today is also our seven month anniversary.
     To clarify, I'm not trying to have a baby with a man I've only known for seven months.  Brad and I met about two and a half years ago on a dating site.  I don't know what it was about him but as soon as I saw his picture I knew this was someone special and reading his profile confirmed it.  We had both just gotten out of relationships and wanted to test the waters.  So we talked, and texted, and FaceBooked for over a year.  I had boyfriends and breakups and he helped me through it all.
     One night after another bad break up Brad stayed up all night while I sent him what must have been hundreds of texts about how hopeless I felt.  I told him about the impossibly high standard my parent's had set for me, about the incredible childhood they'd given me, and how I just wanted to give my kids that same life.  I went on and on all night and Brad never stopped answering my over emotional texts and always reassured me that I could have my dream if I didn't give up.
     A few weeks later we went out for the first time.  We started going out about once a week to watch my friend's band play.  I wasn't sure if they were dates or not, but I had a lot of fun.  After a couple weeks he asked invited me to a party. I was pretty sure this was it, a real date.  I was excited and nervous all at the same time.  Unfortunately, the day of the party my best friend found out that her boyfriend had passed away and I obviously couldn't leave her at a time like that.  So the date was off.
     For some reason we didn't speak much after that.  I went on living my life.  After about six months I'd gone though a series of events that sent me to rock bottom.  I'd stopped going out with my friends. I generally stayed in my apartment and felt hopeless.  I thought back to the last time I'd felt so awful and remembered that long night when Brad had stayed up with me all night letting me get out all of my frustrations and fears. I instantly remembered the feeling I got the first time I saw his picture and it finally clicked in my head.  THIS was the guy I was supposed to be with.  I never really knew why we hadn't tried harder to date before, but I think it was because I still had too many mistakes left to make.  But at that moment I knew those days were over.  I was going to spend my life with this man and I needed to talk to him NOW.  I sent him a message and we started talking again like we had never stopped. 
     We started meeting for karaoke every week at the bar he frequented with his friends.  One night we closed the down the bar but still weren't ready to part ways.  So we walked around the city until sunrise asking each other random questions to get to know each other better.  We did the same thing a few weeks later when he met me for coffee.  That night we ran out of the comfortable questions and turned to the grittier, difficult topics.  In the early hours just after sunrise Brad held my hand for the first time and my heart almost beat it's way right out of my chest.  That is one of my favorite memories of us.
     In those early days we tried to come up with ways to express what being together felt like because it was so different than anything we had felt before.  Brad quoted Dr. Seuss.

      That really describes us better better than anything else.  How lucky am I that I found someone whose weirdness is so compatible with my own?  I can't wait to see where our weirdness takes us.
     XOXO

I'm Still Alive!

     I don't have much to update.  Still no baby. Still trying.  Still gardening.  Just passing time and waiting for nature to take its course.
     The only new development is that my mom asked me today if we were trying to have a baby and when I told her we were considering it (okay, so I fibbed a little bit) she was totally okay with it.  She did say she hoped we would get married first.  When I told her we'd talked about that too she went into full-blown wedding planning mode.  I was surprised that she was so supportive.  My parents have always encouraged me to wait to get married and have kids.  My mom was 34 and my dad was 39 when they had me and they always said that was perfect.  My mom also always told me I better not even think about getting married before 28. Being their only child, I've always felt that I'm still a kid in their eyes.  It means a lot to me that my mom understands that even though I might make choices they don't agree with they know that I can make the right choices for my life.  Having her support and knowing I can talk to her about all the changes in my life is a huge relief.
     XOXO

My Latest Hobby: The Balcony Garden

     I'll preface this post by warning anyone who actually reads it that this has nothing to do with the usual theme of my blog, with the exception that my interest in gardening was initiated by my desire to garden for my family in the future.
     When my parents got home from vacation they gave us a bunch of plastic pots, some potting soil, several African violets, and a distressed aloe vera plant. We had to carefully separate the aloe into several different pots because it was so over grown.

There's more but that's all that would fit int he frame.

The smallest pot is sage that hasn't sprouted yet.

     A couple days later we bought some more starter kits from the drug store and some extra seeds. 

Basil, catnip, and mint.

Tiny tomato sprouts.

     So, our balcony garden is well under way.  Next I hope to add lavender and  rosemary.  Any tips?
    XOXO

There Are No Words....

     So after the doctor's test came back negative we moved on and tried to deal with the fact that we were not going to be parents as soon as we'd thought.  After three negative we knew the doctor wouldn't have good news on Monday. We were confused as to how our tests could possibly go from positive to negative. But I went to work.  I cried.  I came home.  I cried.  And then --slowly-- things began to get easier.  It would happen one day.  Hope was not lost.
     Then Thursday, I thought I had gotten my period.  Okay, so the first four tests were wrong, the result of some bizarre  hormonal fluctuation or the birth control pills still working their way out of my system. That night I had terrible cramps.  They weren't exactly painful, just extremely uncomfortable to the point that I woke up every couple hours.  In the morning, I was so uncomfortable I considered calling in sick to work.  Once I was able to get the dogs outside for their walk I started feeling better.
     While I was at work, I knew something was wrong. This was NOT a normal period.  Once I was off work, I called the doctor and explained all of the recent events and what I was experiencing.  All of the evidence pointed towards a miscarriage.   Brad drove me to Urgent Care and I was examined.  The doctor said I seemed healthy and that I should be fine.  If the bleeding didn't stop in seven days I should see the doctor again.
     By the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted.  I just wanted to put this whole week behind me and move on.  I got through work yesterday just fine.   It was like any other day, except I noticed the way my body was changing, going back to normal.  I joked about it with Brad.  We went to dinner with Brad's aunt.  By the time we were heading home I was suddenly overcome by sadness.  I spent the entire ride home trying --and failing-- not to cry.  I didn't want Brad to notice.  I knew he was already upset about what had happened and I didn't want to add an extra burden.  After a very long nap on the couch I still wasn't feeling any better.  Brad took me to bed and I couldn't hide it anymore.  I completely broke down and he held me and told me that this was WORTH crying over.  He let me get all my thoughts out, that I felt like I'd failed him, that I couldn't feel my body going back to normal and I hated it, and I was terrified that this would happen again.  Being able to say it to him was a huge release.
     We talked for a long time about a lot of things.  We both felt that as hard as this has been, that it's shown us both how much we can count on each other for support.  He explained a lot of his thoughts and feelings about the baby and our loss and what he wanted for our future.  We talked about when we first met and why it took us almost two years to start dating.  It was comforting and helped me realize that no matter how hard things get, I have the most incredible partner and that these hard times show us how strong we are together.  I'm sure there will other times when all I want to do is come home and cry, and there's no one else in the world I'd rather come home and cry to than him.
    XOXO

So Confused....

     Today was a really hard.  After a few days of shock and excitement, Brad drove me to the doctor's office after work to take yet another test.  After four positive home test results, I figured it the test at the hospital would give me the same result.  WRONG!  After the longest five minutes of my life, a nurse called me back and told me that the test was negative.  When I told her I had had four positive results and she looked at the date of my last period, she suggested that I call their appointment center and just tell them that I had a positive pregnancy test and need a prenatal exam.  So that's exactly what I did.  I also bought even more pregnancy tests.  I plan on taking one first thing in the morning because I think the hospital's test may have come up negative because I used the bathroom only an hour or so before hand. 
     The first few hours after leaving the hospital were very hard.  The emotional roller coaster started all over again.  Luckily, Brad is the most loving, supportive man in the world.  He helped me talk through my emotions, went on a walk with me, and then helped me start our balcony garden; and when it was all done I felt a million times better.
     So, my next doctor's appointment is on Monday.  I'll keep you  posted.
     XOXO

SURPRISE!

     So, since I still haven't gotten my period since I stopped taking my pills, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  When the faintest pink line showed up I thought there must be some kind of mistake.  So I took another one.

The lines don't photograph very well.

     So I went back to my parent's house and welcomed them home.  I made dinner and pretty much went on with my evening as usual.  When we had a moment alone, I casually dropped some hints to Brad.  When he realized I wasn't kidding we agreed that we would call the doctor and get her opinion.  Nothing to freak out about quite yet.
     Today I decided to buy a different brand of test just so I could be sure it wasn't just something wrong with the tests I had used already.  To make a long story short, here's what I wound up with:

I think 2 and 3 show up the best in the pictures.

     So here I am, in total shock with not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR positive pregnancy tests.  We've told a few close friends, but our families are int he dark until we see the doctor.
     The hardest part about all of this is that it feels impossible to believe.  Even though there's line after line, I feel like this must be some sort of joke.  I can't ACTUALLY be pregnant, can I? With all the women who spend months or even years trying, can I really be pregnant when I've only been off my pills for a little over a month?  Is there really a tiny human being in my tummy?  My head is spinning and I don't think I'll settle into the idea until the doctor confirms it.  But I'm gonna try my best to believe it when I say I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!

Hormone Hell!!!!

So, I went off my BC about five weeks ago. I knew it would take a while for my body to adjust but I really wasn't anticipating how drastically different I would feel. For the first couple weeks everything was great. I felt wonderful and couldn't keep my hands off Brad. but the last couple weeks it's been the complete opposite. I feel tired all the time and I'm having the worst mood swings. It seems like I'm constantly irritated at Brad for things I'd usually find funny and god forbid the poor guy tries to get lucky. I feel like a failure as a partner because I'm not only not interested in being physical, I dread it! The last few days have been the worst. I've felt like PMS on crack! My breasts were tender, I've been extremely moody, and I've had terrible cramps. I've never had difficult periods in my whole life. At worst, I've had a couple moments of discomfort each month. But for days I've had almost constant cramping. I don't notice them so much if I keep myself occupied, but as soon as I relax on the couch with Brad or lay down in bed at night all I can think about is how uncomfortable I am. How long must I andure this?! I hope these hormones settle down soon. :-( PS: I appoligize for any typos I missed. I'm blogging from my phone tonight.

There's No Place Like Home....

     Hello again!
     As  I write, I am sitting in the living room of my childhood home, the home I spent almost every day of my first twenty years of life, and the home I've always dreamed of raising my children in.

     I remember trying to explain this place to Brad once, before we even  went on our first date, when he was still just the ever dependable friend who always understood what I was going through.  I had just had another bad breakup and I felt like I would never get the life I dreamed of.  I remember telling him my parents had set an impossibly high standard for love and marriage.  I remember trying to explain the life they gave me, here, in this place; far away from the city and the cars and the noise.  Just under seven acres of hills and trees and sky, sometimes it felt like a prison -- being so isolated.  But looking back, I can see the gift my parents gave me by raising me in such a beautiful place out in nature.

     Now that Brad and I are preparing to start our own family, it's become even more important to both of us that our children have the same experience I had.  My parents are planning on retiring next year and moving away, but they are talking about letting us rent half the house (which is really everything except the master suite) so that we can live our dream and they will still have a place to stay when they come down and visit.  So this visit is a big opportunity for us to show how much we care about keeping this place in the family.  My dreams grow larger with each passing minute here.  I can see myself in the garden, watering and planting and pulling weeds.  I can see my toddler watching his pumpkins and sunflowers grow the way I did when I was a kid.  I can smell the earth and see the wonder on my child's face when it's time to harvest.

     Anyway, I'm sure this is just mindless rambling to most people, but it's all I can think about lately so I thought I might share it.  Hope I didn't bore you too bad.
     XOXO

Project Pregnancy Prep

    In preparation for TTC, I am reading What to Expect Before You're Expecting. Although I already knew the importance of good health before, during, and after pregnancy the book has educated me on just how serious this is.
     Tubal defects run in my family and my mother had several miscarriages before and after she had me.  I've been taking a prenatal vitamin high in folic acid to prevent the tubal defects.  Now my main concern --especially after what I've learned from the book-- is my weight.  I've known that I'm overweight.  I've dieted but never strictly.  In the end, I've generally just lost focus because either way I'm happy.  But since learning that being overweight during pregnancy can strongly effect your chances of miscarrying, I have a whole new motivation to get in shape.  While I am not cutting anything out of my diet completely, I am attempting to cut down on mindless snacking and focus on making all my meals more nutritious. I am also trying to log at least 45 minutes of exercise a day, which should be easy since I usually walk my dogs at least 30 minutes a day. As of today, my BMI is 36.5 (YIKES!). My goal is to get it down to at least 30.3  by November, even though that still labels me as obese.  I will be tracking my progress here and would LOVE advice and feedback from my readers (assuming anyone finds any of this interesting enough to keep reading. :-P).
     Another issue I am to resolve as quickly as possible is my credit card debt.  I simply have too much of it.  I got one to build credit and to use "for emergencies only."  Then I needed it to cover my tuition and books.  There were a few times I was short on money and really needed groceries.  Then, the nail in the coffin, I used it to pay for my gym membership.  I kept paying for it thinking if I was spending money on it it would encourage me to work out.  Turns out, I'm just THAT lazy, and now that I've moved farther away from the gym, I just never go.  So aside from making regular payments above the minimum required, I will be canceling my gym membership.
     How are (or did) some of you preparing (or prepared) for your pregnancy physically and financially?
     XOXO

Here We Go....

     It's funny how I've been so excited to start this blog and now that it's time to actually write I have no idea where to begin.  Please forgive me while I suppose I should introduce myself.  My name is Crystal, but a lot of people call me Pie.  I live with my boyfriend, Brad, and I work full-time at a pet boutique and spa.  But the most important thing you should know about me --and the reason I'm writing this blog in the first place-- is that I want to be a mother more than anything in the world.  Some little girls fantasize about being doctors or lawyers or princesses when they grow up.  I always just wanted to be a mommy.  Folding laundry, changing diapers, and doing dishes is my dream job and I've finally found the man I want to do it all with.

 The best part is that he wants to do it with me too. We are planning to get married sometime next year (I'm hoping for early May) and we plan to start TTC in November.  And that's where this blog comes in....
     You see, I want to be the best wife and mother I can, and what better way to accomplish that than to  share my hopes, fears, and experiences with other parents (or parents-to-be) and receive their feedback?  So I invite you to keep reading, leave comments, ask questions, and hopefully get a chuckle or two.  Also, please introduce yourselves!
     XOXO