To the one I lost....

To you, the tiny being I never got to know, there is never a day I don't think about you.  There is never a day I don't think about that hard spot I could feel in my stomach, the spot I lost when I lost you. The other day your daddy and I were in a store and stopped to look at baby stuff.  He stopped behind me and wrapped his arms around me and suddenly I wondered how different things would be if you were still growing inside me. I wondered if you were a boy or a girl.  I wondered if you would have my curls and your fathers warm eyes. I wondered what you would have looked like in your grandfather's arms the first time he held you.  I cried right there in the isle.
I don't know how long it is acceptable to mourn you and when I just become the crazy, bitter woman who can't deal with life.  I only even knew you existed for less than a week before you were gone.  Am I supposed to still think about you every day, to wonder why you're gone, to wonder if you'll ever make it into this world and into my arms? Is it sick that you're all I want to talk about because talking about you makes it feel like you're not so far away?
Sometimes when I stop and think too long my throat aches and I can't breath and I feel so desperately lost without you, the tiny being I never got to know.
As I'm writing, a woman has just walked passed the door to the shop. Her belly is so huge and she's holding her husband's hand in the sunshine and I just want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
The doctors say that this just happens sometimes, but I can't force myself to believe it.  Something had to have happened, right? Something went wrong and I lost you.  What happened? What did I do?
I felt like a failure to your father when I couldn't keep you safe and I feel like a failure now for not being strong enough to keep my shit together while your father remains so calm, so strong.  Months later and here I am, broken down in tears at work trying not to look like a mess while customers come and go.
This grief is so sickening and sometimes it sneaks up on me and tears me down before I can prepare for it.  But you gave me the first taste of motherhood.  Because of you I know what it's like to love your father in a way that's only possible when you've created life with that person, and I know that I can get my strength from him when I can't be strong for myself anymore.
I may never know you little one, but I will always, ALWAYS love you.