There Are No Words....

     So after the doctor's test came back negative we moved on and tried to deal with the fact that we were not going to be parents as soon as we'd thought.  After three negative we knew the doctor wouldn't have good news on Monday. We were confused as to how our tests could possibly go from positive to negative. But I went to work.  I cried.  I came home.  I cried.  And then --slowly-- things began to get easier.  It would happen one day.  Hope was not lost.
     Then Thursday, I thought I had gotten my period.  Okay, so the first four tests were wrong, the result of some bizarre  hormonal fluctuation or the birth control pills still working their way out of my system. That night I had terrible cramps.  They weren't exactly painful, just extremely uncomfortable to the point that I woke up every couple hours.  In the morning, I was so uncomfortable I considered calling in sick to work.  Once I was able to get the dogs outside for their walk I started feeling better.
     While I was at work, I knew something was wrong. This was NOT a normal period.  Once I was off work, I called the doctor and explained all of the recent events and what I was experiencing.  All of the evidence pointed towards a miscarriage.   Brad drove me to Urgent Care and I was examined.  The doctor said I seemed healthy and that I should be fine.  If the bleeding didn't stop in seven days I should see the doctor again.
     By the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted.  I just wanted to put this whole week behind me and move on.  I got through work yesterday just fine.   It was like any other day, except I noticed the way my body was changing, going back to normal.  I joked about it with Brad.  We went to dinner with Brad's aunt.  By the time we were heading home I was suddenly overcome by sadness.  I spent the entire ride home trying --and failing-- not to cry.  I didn't want Brad to notice.  I knew he was already upset about what had happened and I didn't want to add an extra burden.  After a very long nap on the couch I still wasn't feeling any better.  Brad took me to bed and I couldn't hide it anymore.  I completely broke down and he held me and told me that this was WORTH crying over.  He let me get all my thoughts out, that I felt like I'd failed him, that I couldn't feel my body going back to normal and I hated it, and I was terrified that this would happen again.  Being able to say it to him was a huge release.
     We talked for a long time about a lot of things.  We both felt that as hard as this has been, that it's shown us both how much we can count on each other for support.  He explained a lot of his thoughts and feelings about the baby and our loss and what he wanted for our future.  We talked about when we first met and why it took us almost two years to start dating.  It was comforting and helped me realize that no matter how hard things get, I have the most incredible partner and that these hard times show us how strong we are together.  I'm sure there will other times when all I want to do is come home and cry, and there's no one else in the world I'd rather come home and cry to than him.
    XOXO

So Confused....

     Today was a really hard.  After a few days of shock and excitement, Brad drove me to the doctor's office after work to take yet another test.  After four positive home test results, I figured it the test at the hospital would give me the same result.  WRONG!  After the longest five minutes of my life, a nurse called me back and told me that the test was negative.  When I told her I had had four positive results and she looked at the date of my last period, she suggested that I call their appointment center and just tell them that I had a positive pregnancy test and need a prenatal exam.  So that's exactly what I did.  I also bought even more pregnancy tests.  I plan on taking one first thing in the morning because I think the hospital's test may have come up negative because I used the bathroom only an hour or so before hand. 
     The first few hours after leaving the hospital were very hard.  The emotional roller coaster started all over again.  Luckily, Brad is the most loving, supportive man in the world.  He helped me talk through my emotions, went on a walk with me, and then helped me start our balcony garden; and when it was all done I felt a million times better.
     So, my next doctor's appointment is on Monday.  I'll keep you  posted.
     XOXO

SURPRISE!

     So, since I still haven't gotten my period since I stopped taking my pills, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  When the faintest pink line showed up I thought there must be some kind of mistake.  So I took another one.

The lines don't photograph very well.

     So I went back to my parent's house and welcomed them home.  I made dinner and pretty much went on with my evening as usual.  When we had a moment alone, I casually dropped some hints to Brad.  When he realized I wasn't kidding we agreed that we would call the doctor and get her opinion.  Nothing to freak out about quite yet.
     Today I decided to buy a different brand of test just so I could be sure it wasn't just something wrong with the tests I had used already.  To make a long story short, here's what I wound up with:

I think 2 and 3 show up the best in the pictures.

     So here I am, in total shock with not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR positive pregnancy tests.  We've told a few close friends, but our families are int he dark until we see the doctor.
     The hardest part about all of this is that it feels impossible to believe.  Even though there's line after line, I feel like this must be some sort of joke.  I can't ACTUALLY be pregnant, can I? With all the women who spend months or even years trying, can I really be pregnant when I've only been off my pills for a little over a month?  Is there really a tiny human being in my tummy?  My head is spinning and I don't think I'll settle into the idea until the doctor confirms it.  But I'm gonna try my best to believe it when I say I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!

There's No Place Like Home....

     Hello again!
     As  I write, I am sitting in the living room of my childhood home, the home I spent almost every day of my first twenty years of life, and the home I've always dreamed of raising my children in.

     I remember trying to explain this place to Brad once, before we even  went on our first date, when he was still just the ever dependable friend who always understood what I was going through.  I had just had another bad breakup and I felt like I would never get the life I dreamed of.  I remember telling him my parents had set an impossibly high standard for love and marriage.  I remember trying to explain the life they gave me, here, in this place; far away from the city and the cars and the noise.  Just under seven acres of hills and trees and sky, sometimes it felt like a prison -- being so isolated.  But looking back, I can see the gift my parents gave me by raising me in such a beautiful place out in nature.

     Now that Brad and I are preparing to start our own family, it's become even more important to both of us that our children have the same experience I had.  My parents are planning on retiring next year and moving away, but they are talking about letting us rent half the house (which is really everything except the master suite) so that we can live our dream and they will still have a place to stay when they come down and visit.  So this visit is a big opportunity for us to show how much we care about keeping this place in the family.  My dreams grow larger with each passing minute here.  I can see myself in the garden, watering and planting and pulling weeds.  I can see my toddler watching his pumpkins and sunflowers grow the way I did when I was a kid.  I can smell the earth and see the wonder on my child's face when it's time to harvest.

     Anyway, I'm sure this is just mindless rambling to most people, but it's all I can think about lately so I thought I might share it.  Hope I didn't bore you too bad.
     XOXO

Project Pregnancy Prep

    In preparation for TTC, I am reading What to Expect Before You're Expecting. Although I already knew the importance of good health before, during, and after pregnancy the book has educated me on just how serious this is.
     Tubal defects run in my family and my mother had several miscarriages before and after she had me.  I've been taking a prenatal vitamin high in folic acid to prevent the tubal defects.  Now my main concern --especially after what I've learned from the book-- is my weight.  I've known that I'm overweight.  I've dieted but never strictly.  In the end, I've generally just lost focus because either way I'm happy.  But since learning that being overweight during pregnancy can strongly effect your chances of miscarrying, I have a whole new motivation to get in shape.  While I am not cutting anything out of my diet completely, I am attempting to cut down on mindless snacking and focus on making all my meals more nutritious. I am also trying to log at least 45 minutes of exercise a day, which should be easy since I usually walk my dogs at least 30 minutes a day. As of today, my BMI is 36.5 (YIKES!). My goal is to get it down to at least 30.3  by November, even though that still labels me as obese.  I will be tracking my progress here and would LOVE advice and feedback from my readers (assuming anyone finds any of this interesting enough to keep reading. :-P).
     Another issue I am to resolve as quickly as possible is my credit card debt.  I simply have too much of it.  I got one to build credit and to use "for emergencies only."  Then I needed it to cover my tuition and books.  There were a few times I was short on money and really needed groceries.  Then, the nail in the coffin, I used it to pay for my gym membership.  I kept paying for it thinking if I was spending money on it it would encourage me to work out.  Turns out, I'm just THAT lazy, and now that I've moved farther away from the gym, I just never go.  So aside from making regular payments above the minimum required, I will be canceling my gym membership.
     How are (or did) some of you preparing (or prepared) for your pregnancy physically and financially?
     XOXO

Here We Go....

     It's funny how I've been so excited to start this blog and now that it's time to actually write I have no idea where to begin.  Please forgive me while I suppose I should introduce myself.  My name is Crystal, but a lot of people call me Pie.  I live with my boyfriend, Brad, and I work full-time at a pet boutique and spa.  But the most important thing you should know about me --and the reason I'm writing this blog in the first place-- is that I want to be a mother more than anything in the world.  Some little girls fantasize about being doctors or lawyers or princesses when they grow up.  I always just wanted to be a mommy.  Folding laundry, changing diapers, and doing dishes is my dream job and I've finally found the man I want to do it all with.

 The best part is that he wants to do it with me too. We are planning to get married sometime next year (I'm hoping for early May) and we plan to start TTC in November.  And that's where this blog comes in....
     You see, I want to be the best wife and mother I can, and what better way to accomplish that than to  share my hopes, fears, and experiences with other parents (or parents-to-be) and receive their feedback?  So I invite you to keep reading, leave comments, ask questions, and hopefully get a chuckle or two.  Also, please introduce yourselves!
     XOXO