So after the doctor's test came back negative we moved on and tried to deal with the fact that we were not going to be parents as soon as we'd thought. After three negative we knew the doctor wouldn't have good news on Monday. We were confused as to how our tests could possibly go from positive to negative. But I went to work. I cried. I came home. I cried. And then --slowly-- things began to get easier. It would happen one day. Hope was not lost.
Then Thursday, I thought I had gotten my period. Okay, so the first four tests were wrong, the result of some bizarre hormonal fluctuation or the birth control pills still working their way out of my system. That night I had terrible cramps. They weren't exactly painful, just extremely uncomfortable to the point that I woke up every couple hours. In the morning, I was so uncomfortable I considered calling in sick to work. Once I was able to get the dogs outside for their walk I started feeling better.
While I was at work, I knew something was wrong. This was NOT a normal period. Once I was off work, I called the doctor and explained all of the recent events and what I was experiencing. All of the evidence pointed towards a miscarriage. Brad drove me to Urgent Care and I was examined. The doctor said I seemed healthy and that I should be fine. If the bleeding didn't stop in seven days I should see the doctor again.
By the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted. I just wanted to put this whole week behind me and move on. I got through work yesterday just fine. It was like any other day, except I noticed the way my body was changing, going back to normal. I joked about it with Brad. We went to dinner with Brad's aunt. By the time we were heading home I was suddenly overcome by sadness. I spent the entire ride home trying --and failing-- not to cry. I didn't want Brad to notice. I knew he was already upset about what had happened and I didn't want to add an extra burden. After a very long nap on the couch I still wasn't feeling any better. Brad took me to bed and I couldn't hide it anymore. I completely broke down and he held me and told me that this was WORTH crying over. He let me get all my thoughts out, that I felt like I'd failed him, that I couldn't feel my body going back to normal and I hated it, and I was terrified that this would happen again. Being able to say it to him was a huge release.
We talked for a long time about a lot of things. We both felt that as hard as this has been, that it's shown us both how much we can count on each other for support. He explained a lot of his thoughts and feelings about the baby and our loss and what he wanted for our future. We talked about when we first met and why it took us almost two years to start dating. It was comforting and helped me realize that no matter how hard things get, I have the most incredible partner and that these hard times show us how strong we are together. I'm sure there will other times when all I want to do is come home and cry, and there's no one else in the world I'd rather come home and cry to than him.
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment