On Monday I saw the most incredible thing I've ever seen: I saw my baby move.
We sat in the dimly lit room watching a fuzzy screen as a ultrasound
tech pressed a wand against my belly. All of a sudden I saw what I knew
was my little baby, but this tiny little miracle wasn't just curled up
resting like I was expecting. He (we have taken to referring to the
baby as a male, but we don't know yet) was waving and kicking and even flipped! He looked like he was doing Tae Bo in my tummy!
Now everything is starting to sink in. I'm going to be a mom. I'm going to be responsible for another living being for the rest of my life. Forever. I'm starting to worry about money. I need a new car. I'm scared that I won't be able to stay home after the baby is born. I'm afraid that if I do need to go back to work, I won't have a job to go back too. I'm afraid that I'll miss things. I'm afraid that I'll make some terrible mistake that scares him or her for life. I'm scared that I'll be a bad mom.
I had a dream last night that I was telling someone how afraid I was that I couldn't do it. In my dream, whoever I was talking to reached over and patted me on the head as if to say "Don't worry. You can do this." But I felt something physically touch my head hard enough to wake me up. I looked up and it was my cat pushing on my head. He has become strangely friendly since I got pregnant. He sleeps with me every night and hangs out next to me on the couch every night when I get home. But he has never woken me up before. I'm not quite sure what that all means.
I'm also dealing with the prospect of my parents selling my childhood home and moving across the country just a few months after the baby is born. It scares me to have them so far away, but losing the home I grew up in scares me even more. I grew up with seven acres of hills and trees around me, with coyotes and bobcats and mountain lions in the yard. It was a beautiful, fascinating, magical place to grow up. My parents always said they would leave it to me one day. Now I'm trying desperately to find a way to keep it in the family so my children can experience the same awe and wonder that I did. I am who I am because of that home. I learned a love and respect of nature in all of it's forms. I learned the value of wide open spaces. I wake up every morning now to the sound of traffic in the street and it seems louder every day. That house on the hill is nearly silent most of the time. A single car on the street is a cause for attention. Will my children ever know the beauty of silence without that house? I wonder, and I am terrified.
At the end of the day, I remind myself that I picked a wonderful partner to have a family with. A man who loves with all his heart and shares the same core values that I have. At my weakest points he has been my strength and times that could have torn us apart brought us closer together than I ever thought two people could be. With him by my side I can figure it out. I forget sometimes that creating a well-adjusted, happy human does not fall on my shoulders alone. I have the best help in the world. I love you, Brad.
Now everything is starting to sink in. I'm going to be a mom. I'm going to be responsible for another living being for the rest of my life. Forever. I'm starting to worry about money. I need a new car. I'm scared that I won't be able to stay home after the baby is born. I'm afraid that if I do need to go back to work, I won't have a job to go back too. I'm afraid that I'll miss things. I'm afraid that I'll make some terrible mistake that scares him or her for life. I'm scared that I'll be a bad mom.
I had a dream last night that I was telling someone how afraid I was that I couldn't do it. In my dream, whoever I was talking to reached over and patted me on the head as if to say "Don't worry. You can do this." But I felt something physically touch my head hard enough to wake me up. I looked up and it was my cat pushing on my head. He has become strangely friendly since I got pregnant. He sleeps with me every night and hangs out next to me on the couch every night when I get home. But he has never woken me up before. I'm not quite sure what that all means.
I'm also dealing with the prospect of my parents selling my childhood home and moving across the country just a few months after the baby is born. It scares me to have them so far away, but losing the home I grew up in scares me even more. I grew up with seven acres of hills and trees around me, with coyotes and bobcats and mountain lions in the yard. It was a beautiful, fascinating, magical place to grow up. My parents always said they would leave it to me one day. Now I'm trying desperately to find a way to keep it in the family so my children can experience the same awe and wonder that I did. I am who I am because of that home. I learned a love and respect of nature in all of it's forms. I learned the value of wide open spaces. I wake up every morning now to the sound of traffic in the street and it seems louder every day. That house on the hill is nearly silent most of the time. A single car on the street is a cause for attention. Will my children ever know the beauty of silence without that house? I wonder, and I am terrified.
At the end of the day, I remind myself that I picked a wonderful partner to have a family with. A man who loves with all his heart and shares the same core values that I have. At my weakest points he has been my strength and times that could have torn us apart brought us closer together than I ever thought two people could be. With him by my side I can figure it out. I forget sometimes that creating a well-adjusted, happy human does not fall on my shoulders alone. I have the best help in the world. I love you, Brad.
 | |||||||||||||||||||||
| My beautiful little love at 11 weeks 3 days. <3 |
No comments:
Post a Comment