Life is total madness....

     It's been so long since I've written.  Every week I check all of the other blogs I follow but fail to update my own.  Life has been total madness.
    At the end of February my land lady informed us that our apartment no longer allowed pets and that we had five days to get all of ours out.  This means we have to move.  Luckily we found friends and family to watch our two cats and three dogs while we searched for a new place to call home.  It took longer than we hoped, but we found a condo that would allow the dogs (I didn't mention the cats....).  We are scheduled to move at the end of the month.
     We thought we were home free.  Then my boss informed me that she was not allowing me to work in the pet salon after the end of the month because she was concerned for the safety of my baby.  That is crap.  She is not concerned, she has hired new people who want a full schedule which she couldn't provide them while I was still working.  It is illegal for her to force me on maternity leave, howerve, I am an independent contractor so if I push the issue all she has to do is fire me and then I'm stuck with no job and no uneployment.  She wants me to come back to work three weeks after my son is born.  Excuse my language, but what the fuck?!  My only hope right now is to pick up as many hours at the register as possible (she's still allowing me to work the boutique) and pray that I can get enough grooming clients at home that I can cover my bills.  Brad still isn't working consistantly and it's driving me nuts.  It's not his fault.  His company is just slow.  Every week they promise him work will start soon.  Every week we hope.
     So that is life right now.  My son is due in one short month, I have to move in just over a week, and I'm not sure how we will be paying our bills.  But all I can do is hope and try my best to plan.  Wish me luck!

22 weeks 6 days.

     I love that this is how much life is measured now.  By weeks and days, by trimesters.  I can't believe how quickly this is flying by.  From what I've read, Liam only weighs a little over a pound now; but he already kicks so hard he can move my whole belly.  He usually does this when I'm in the tub and turn on the tap to add more water.  I think the sound of the water gets him going.  The first time I ever felt him move was in the tub at 12 or 13 weeks.  I was refilling the water to get it just a little warmer and all of a sudden I felt something poke me from the inside just below my belly button.  I wasn't sure if it was him or not, but I was afraid that I might be cooking him so I jumped out of the tub. 
     I always wondered how women could miss the feeling of being pregnant once the had their precious babies in their arms.  Now I think I get it.  In general I've had an easy pregnancy.  Even as much as I bitched about morning sickness it wasn't half as bad as it could have been.  I feel pretty awesome.  I'm growing a human after all.  How cool is that?  I feel pretty much exactly like I did prepregnancy. But what I will miss is feeling my son wiggle, kick, punch, and squirm in my belly.  I imagine I might forget how awesome that was once I get to watch him do all of those things.  But it is completely natural now to feel this other person moving inside of me.  Brad just recently felt Liam move for the first time and thought it was awesome.  But I feel EVERYTHING and I'm the only one who can say that.  It's like my special bond with him and I just adore it.
     It's getting to be crunch time as far as baby prep goes and I am completely slacking.  I haven't cleared out our room to make room for the baby.  I haven't finished gathering the addresses for my baby shower invites.  I haven't finished any of the hospital forms they say I should have finished weeks ago.  I haven't even called to reserve my spot in a birthing class.  I've attempted to make the task of preparing for the baby a little more manageable by making an actual to do list to follow and check things off as I go.  This has helped a little but I'm still a mess.  But at least I've gotten things started.
     The only thing I am TOTALLY on top of right now is diaper collecting.  Brad and I settled on using cloth diapers before I got pregnant and now that I get to buy them I am completely obsessed.  I've got prefolds, pockets, one size, you name it!  I'm trying to focus on collecting a variety so I can find the one that works best for Liam when he finally arrives.  So far my favorite (which just arrived in the mail today) is the BestBottom diaper.  It's a one size (meaning I can use it from birth until potty training) and the inserts snap in, so I can reuse the shell as long as it's clean.  I can't decide if it's sad or not that the highlight of my day is playing with diapers....
     Anyway, back to my to do list now!  Wish me luck!
     XOXO
PS: Any advice on preparing for baby is totally welcome!!!!

And let the chaos begin....

     Let me start by saying that getting sick while you're pregnant may be the worse thing EVER.  Tuesday night I developed symptoms closely related to food poisoning.  I was up until five a.m. sick before I could finally relax and get some sleep.  To make matters worse, all of the vomiting irritated my esophagus which made it painful to breath.  So at six o'clock this morning Brad (who had stayed up until 4:30 to prepare for his night shift tonight) had to get up and drive me to the emergency room.  I got to pay $100 for them to tell me that there was nothing they could do for me.  An hour after I got home they called and told me I have a UTI and will need to take antibiotics for the next ten days.  LOVELY!
     Can I please just go back to being healthy now?

We found out the gender!

It's hard to see in this picture, but on the right there is a computer cursor pointing to my son's family jewels. That's right, MY SON! Liam Allen David O'Conn. <3

It's Becoming Real....

     On Monday I saw the most incredible thing I've ever seen: I saw my baby move.  We sat in the dimly lit room watching a fuzzy screen as a ultrasound tech pressed a wand against my belly.  All of a sudden I saw what I knew was my little baby, but this tiny little miracle wasn't just curled up resting like I was expecting.  He (we have taken to referring to the baby as a male, but we don't know yet) was waving and kicking and even flipped! He looked like he was doing Tae Bo in my tummy!
     Now everything is starting to sink in. I'm going to be a mom.  I'm going to be responsible for another living being for the rest of my life. Forever.  I'm starting to worry about money.  I need a new car.  I'm scared that I won't be able to stay home after the baby is born.  I'm afraid that if I do need to go back to work, I won't have a job to go back too.  I'm afraid that I'll miss things.  I'm afraid that I'll make some terrible mistake that scares him or her for life.  I'm scared that I'll be a bad mom.
     I had a dream last night that I was telling someone how afraid I was that I couldn't do it.  In my dream, whoever I was talking to reached over and patted me on the head as if to say "Don't worry.  You can do this."  But I felt something physically touch my head hard enough to wake me up.  I looked up and it was my cat pushing on my head.  He has become strangely friendly since I got pregnant.  He sleeps with me every night and hangs out next to me on the couch every night when I get home.  But he has never woken me up before.  I'm not quite sure what that all means.
     I'm also dealing with the prospect of my parents selling my childhood home and moving across the country just a few months after the baby is born.  It scares me to have them so far away, but losing the home I grew up in scares me even more.  I grew up with seven acres of hills and trees around me, with coyotes and bobcats and mountain lions in the yard.  It was a beautiful, fascinating, magical place to grow up.  My parents always said they would leave it to me one day.  Now I'm trying desperately to find a way to keep it in the family so my children can experience the same awe and wonder that I did.  I am who I am because of that home.  I learned a love and respect of nature in all of it's forms.  I learned the value of wide open spaces.  I wake up every morning now to the sound of traffic in the street and it seems louder every day.  That house on the hill is nearly silent most of the time.  A single car on the street is a cause for attention.  Will my children ever know the beauty of silence without that house?  I wonder, and I am terrified.
     At the end of the day, I remind myself that I picked a wonderful partner to have a family with.  A man who loves with all his heart and shares the same core values that I have.  At my weakest points he has been my strength and times that could have torn us apart brought us closer together than I ever thought two people could be.  With him by my side I can figure it out.  I forget sometimes that creating a well-adjusted, happy human does not fall on my shoulders alone.  I have the best help in the world.  I love you, Brad.
    

My beautiful little love at 11 weeks 3 days. <3

Beautiful Little Baby

Monday was our first doctor's appointment. I was so nervous and excited. I didn't know what to think.
And then it didn't matter.  The second I saw that tiny blob and the flicker of a heart beat.  And then I HEARD it. The most beautiful 159 beats per minute that anyone has ever heard. My baby's heart beat.  I cried tears of joy and squeezed Brad's hand and wished I could listen to that "lub dub, lub dub" forever.
The doctor said everything looked perfect and I should be due May 17th.  Only about seven more months.  I can't believe it's really happening!

Still battling morning sickness....

     Yesterday I thought I had discovered the cure for morning sickness: Sea Bands.  I bought some after hearing what a miracle they were and within five minutes I felt fantastic. FINALLY!  Relief from my misery! This morning I woke up feeling ill, so I put my Sea Bands on and sat on the couch while I waited to feel fantastic again.  I flipped through some junk mail while I waited and came across a Denny's ad featuring what ordinarily would have looked like a damn tasty sandwich. I took one look at it, ran to the bathroom, and puked my brains out.  No easy feat considering I hadn't eaten anything.  So I moved to my next quick fix: ginger tea.  That did absolutely no good.  Then I decided to lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself before I had to drag myself to work. Surprisingly, that didn't help either.
     I don't know what to do!  I've actually been feeling better the last couple days.  I woke up without feeling sick instantly two days in a row.  I thought that meant I was getting better and this would be over soon.  Now I feel worse than ever!  I can hardly move or speak without wanting to throw up.  My only relief is sleep and I can only do so much of that.  I try to remind myself that this should be over in about six weeks or so and I try very hard not to cry when I think that I could do this for SIX MORE WEEKS! That is impossible!  How do women do this over and over again?  I thought labor and delivery was the worst part of being pregnant, and that results in a cute, cuddly baby.  Let me tell you, NOTHING resulting from morning sickness has been cute or cuddly so far.  If anyone has any suggestions, and I mean ANYTHING that might end this hell, please tell me!
     On a more positive note, my first doctor's appointment is on Monday.  I can't wait!  I'm nervous too, but I think that's pretty normal.  I'll be 8 weeks by then, so we should be able to see the heartbeat.  I've already warned Brad that I will cry so he better be ready for it.  I just keep holding onto the thought of seeing that little heartbeat for the first time and it's the only thing that reminds me why I'm willing to puke every fifteen minutes.

Morning sickness must die!

     I think it's finally starting! I haven't actually thrown up yet (but lord knows I've tried!) but I feel absolutely ill every morning.  From the time I wake up until usually about noon I just want to curl up and die.  So far I've found that water helps.  I took a short walk with the dogs this morning and that helped a little bit too. I bought a huge box of saltines today so hopefully that will put a dent in this.
     Also, I can't stop crying.  I cry about everything.  This week I cried over my dance class.  Our teacher started a new choreography and I had a hard time with one of the moves.  So I cried.  This happened a few days before I found out I was pregnant too.  WHAT THE HELL?! I hate it!  I might hate it even more than morning sickness!
     Finally, I think my mom knows I'm pregnant.  I haven't told her yet because I wanted to go to the doctor first.  Her birthday is just a few days after my appointment so I was going to give her the sonogram picture as a gift.  But my doctor's office sent my appointment card to her house --after they said they had set the system to not send one at all-- which says which department my appointment is in.  The night she received the card she sent me a random text at like, 10 pm telling me she loved me.  Then today she sent me a video that she insisted I HAD to watch if I wanted healthy babies.  And when I got on FaceBook today she had sent me a very emotional quote.  Something about a mother loving a daughter like her baby no matter how old she is and that even if she can't make all my decisions for me she will still support me no matter what.  I almost wish she would just ask me about it already!
     Ta ta for now!
     XOXO

I'm way too paranoid.

So today I decided my boobs didn't hurt as bad as they have lately. Instead of being grateful to be more comfortable I completely panicked. Something must be wrong. I must have lost the baby.  I tore the bathroom apart and found a long lost unused pregnancy test. I was terrified of what the results might be. No sooner had the pee hit the stick than a bright pink line showed up clearer and quicker than ever.  I feel so silly but so relieved!

Mommy Fear

     I can tell Brad is afraid we will lose this one too. I can tell when he says "Let's wait to tell your family until things aren't so delicate."  I can tell because he has only told two of his close friends when before he told, like, five.
     In my heat, I feel that this one is safe. This has felt different from the beginning.  Still, last night as I tried to go to sleep I was overcome with fear.  I can't lose this one.  I just can't. I'll do whatever it takes to keep my baby safe and healthy. All the statistics say that having one miscarriage doesn't increase your chances of having another one. There's no reason to panic.  Right?

Dear Tadpole....

     My dearest, darling, tiny tadpole (so called because that's what my pregnancy book says you look like right now),
     Two days ago two little pink lines confirmed that you were growing inside of me. But I've known for at least a week now.  I felt my body changing like it changed a few months ago. But I felt something different too. I don't know how to explain it, but I knew you were there, I knew I was going to be you're mommy.
     We don't get to go to the doctor until the first of October, but according to my pregnancy tracker I'll get to meet you in about 35 weeks.  I'm reading everything I can about what to do to keep you safe and healthy and about what you're probably doing right now.  I eat lots of veggies (still nit a big fan of fruit)
And I try to stay active but by the time I get off work I'm usually exhausted so I've been going to bed early too.
     I can't wait to see you, my precious little tadpole. Until then, stay safe and let me protect you until you're ready to come into the world.
    Love,
     Mommy
     XOXO

Mommy Strength

     A few months ago the pet salon I work in hired a new groomer, B.  She is one of the sweetest people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. She recently spend some time trying to comfort my best friend (she works with us too) about the tragic death of her boyfriend about a year and a half ago. B explained that she lost her husband under similar circumstances many years ago.  She went on to explain her troubled childhood which led to an equally troubled adulthood and that she wanted to give her son a happier life than she had.
    Recently B received some heart breaking news and exposed more of her life to us.  Her son --who is now in this thirties-- was born with Leukemia. B was still a teenager and had no way to provide him with the necessary medical care, so she chose to give him up for adoption.  Luckily, the family who took him have always allowed her to maintain a relationship with her son and they are very close.
     Last week, the only father B's son has ever known passed away.  B was heartbroken not only for her son, but because she had never gotten the chance to tell his man how grateful she was he would give her son what she could not and still allowed her to be a part of their family.
     Ever since B explained this all I have really been thinking about how strong you have to be to be a mother.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to decide to give up a child, even if you weren't planning to be a mother in the first place.  But to have the intention of keeping your child only to find out that he will DIE if you don't give him up... that's just unbearable. 
     I hope and pray that the child I will have one day (soon I hope!) is healthy. That is perhaps my biggest fear about being a parent, that my child will be sick and there will be nothing I can do to help him (or her).  So for any of you reading who are lucky enough to see your beautiful babies ever day, don't take a single moment for granted.  You are blessed.
     XOXO

Setting a Good Example: Love & Relationships

    A few weeks before my twenty-first birthday I ended yet another doomed relationship.  Prior to dating, the guy had been one of my best friends and we had had a crush on each other since high school.  After six months of nonstop drama I realized that we weren't heading in the same direction and that I didn't want to waste anymore of my life with him.  The next day my parents had to have my horse (and the first boy I'd ever loved) put to sleep.  I decided that if there was ever a time to drown my sorrows, this was the time.  Brad texted me through several large drinks and let me vent about how frustrating it was trying to find someone with common goals.  I told him my parents had set an impossibly high standard for what love was supposed to be like.  My dad worked hard so my mom could stay at home with me and he still found the strength to take care of all of the yard work when he got home every night.  They weren't perfect, but they were still the happiest couple I'd ever known.
     I never thought that less than a year later I'd have the same relationship with him that my parents have with each other. Now that we are trying to start a family of our own I'm thinking more about the kind of values I want to teach my children about love and relationships. So here we go!

1: Gut instincts are usually right. If you feel like something is wrong, it most likely is. And if you see someone for the first time and feel like you've just seen the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you just might.

2: Real love isn't easy.  You will get angry.  You will argue. Sometimes you may miss the single days when you could do whatever you want.  But if it's real love, the thought of leaving is unthinkable.

3: Real love is the easiest thing in the world: A bit contradicting, I know. But I promise, it's true.  You may bicker over money or taking out the trash.  But when it's real love being together comes naturally.  And when the big problems hit, your partner will be the best support you have.

4: Alone time is important.  Go out with your friends without your partner.  Sit alone in a coffee shop and read a book. Let your partner go out with his or her friends without the guilt of leaving your behind.  If you throw all of your energy into your relationship you wont have any energy left to be yourself.

5: Date night is important: I think some people feel like date night is frivolous, but it's not!  My parents spent twenty years focusing on getting the bills paid and giving me a good life.  I can't remember a time they did anything just for themselves.  That took it's toll.  After I moved out I noticed my parents taking weekend trips and going out to dinner and all of a sudden they became so much happier.  Make time to appreciate your partner and your will both be happier.

6: Be polite.  Don't forget your manners just because you've become comfortable with someone.  Say "please" and "thank you." Don't interrupt (I need to work on this one).  If you feel the urge to snap, think about what a stranger would think of you if they heard you saying whatever is trying to spill out of your mouth.  Think about how you would feel if your partner said the same thing to you.  Do your best to think before you speak and apologize when you slip.

7: Be strong enough to say "I'm sorry."  There will be times when you simply screw up.  We all do it.  When that time comes, be courageous and apologize.  It will go a long way.  But don't let your partner make you feel like you should feel bad for simply being different.  Hopefully you're gut instinct will tell you when this is happening.

He's hired!

Brad finished training in two days! He starts work Monday!  YAAAAAY!

Everything is falling into place....

Me and baby Jesse. <3

    I got to meet my latest nephew, Jesse, over the weekend.  Brad and I went to visit his mommy and I got to hang out with her and the boys (Christine and Eric had a twenty-month-old as well) while Brad worked on her car. I've actually never held a baby as young as Jesse (two and a half-weeks old at the time), and I LOVED it.  I forgot how much I missed babies.  Even the diaper changes made me happy.  In addition to meeting the new addition, I finally got his older brother, James, to warm up to me.  He has always loved Uncle Brad, who lived with them for a few months when James was still an infant.  But he has cried whenever we made eye contact for too long.  In the comfort of his own home he was completely different.  I got lots of hugs and slobbery kisses.  It was magical for me.
    Brad has started training for his new job this week!  After months of waiting to hear something --ANYTHING!-- he finally got called in for training and he should be ready for work in a week or so.  This is huge for us.  This job will give him (us, once we're married) health and dental benefits, and he will be making enough that I can stay home.  I'm practically counting down the days until I can quit my job. 
    This has also meant our schedule must change.  Brad has been able to sleep as late as he wants for the past few months while I've had to get up at 6 am to take care of the animals and get ready for work.  After I got home we would spend a few hours together until I fell to sleep on the couch, and Brad would wake me up to go to bed when he finally got tired several hours later.  Now we both get up at 5am (NOOO!!!!) and I pour him his coffee and warm him up something for breakfast while he regains consciousness.  While gets ready I pack his lunch and make sure he has his sunscreen and bottles of water.  A little after 7 I get a quick kiss and an "I love you," and then he's out the door.  This routine will start even earlier once he starts working.  I always used to make fun of my mom for waking up with my dad every day and making his coffee (and his breakfast, and his lunch...) before he left.  "He's a grown man," I would say. "He can make his own sandwich at four in the morning!"  Now that my dad has helped get Brad a job at the same company, I understand.  It's not just about doing something nice for him.  It's about showing support and gratitude for what he is doing for ME.  In a few months, I'll be able to stay at home and still live more comfortably than I did when I worked to support both of us.  And in time, I will be able to enjoy every beautiful moment of our child while he slaves away long days in terrible weather to keep us fed and happy.  He is blessing me with the life I have always wanted.
    I am hoping that now that this job is falling into place that other things will follow.  Brad's best friend --who has been impossibly understanding and supportive of our choice to have a family and who showed great concern for me when we lost the last pregnancy-- always says we will get a baby when the time is right.  I hope and pray that now is that time.  I think trying to conceive will be less stressful now that his job is getting started and will take a lot off of my mind.
    Wish us luck!
    XOXO

To the one I lost....

To you, the tiny being I never got to know, there is never a day I don't think about you.  There is never a day I don't think about that hard spot I could feel in my stomach, the spot I lost when I lost you. The other day your daddy and I were in a store and stopped to look at baby stuff.  He stopped behind me and wrapped his arms around me and suddenly I wondered how different things would be if you were still growing inside me. I wondered if you were a boy or a girl.  I wondered if you would have my curls and your fathers warm eyes. I wondered what you would have looked like in your grandfather's arms the first time he held you.  I cried right there in the isle.
I don't know how long it is acceptable to mourn you and when I just become the crazy, bitter woman who can't deal with life.  I only even knew you existed for less than a week before you were gone.  Am I supposed to still think about you every day, to wonder why you're gone, to wonder if you'll ever make it into this world and into my arms? Is it sick that you're all I want to talk about because talking about you makes it feel like you're not so far away?
Sometimes when I stop and think too long my throat aches and I can't breath and I feel so desperately lost without you, the tiny being I never got to know.
As I'm writing, a woman has just walked passed the door to the shop. Her belly is so huge and she's holding her husband's hand in the sunshine and I just want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
The doctors say that this just happens sometimes, but I can't force myself to believe it.  Something had to have happened, right? Something went wrong and I lost you.  What happened? What did I do?
I felt like a failure to your father when I couldn't keep you safe and I feel like a failure now for not being strong enough to keep my shit together while your father remains so calm, so strong.  Months later and here I am, broken down in tears at work trying not to look like a mess while customers come and go.
This grief is so sickening and sometimes it sneaks up on me and tears me down before I can prepare for it.  But you gave me the first taste of motherhood.  Because of you I know what it's like to love your father in a way that's only possible when you've created life with that person, and I know that I can get my strength from him when I can't be strong for myself anymore.
I may never know you little one, but I will always, ALWAYS love you.

It was so much easier when we WEREN'T trying....

I'm going insane.  When we got pregnant we weren't even trying yet.  We just thought of it as a surprise blessing dropped into our laps.  Whew! No stressing for months at a time wondering when it would happen.  It was just that easy!
It's only been less than two months since I lost the pregnancy, but it feels like a life time.  My constant waking thought is about fertility cycles, ovulation, and  babies.  I've got my cycles logged on my phone, on the calendar, and in my mind.  This takes the romance right out of making a baby.
Last night I bluntly reminded Brad that we had --uh-- business to attend to for the next several nights.
"How romantic," he replied sarcastically.
What else was I supposed to do? Casually dropping my towel after I got out of the shower hadn't worked the night before. Leaning in close and lingering during quick kisses didn't work.  I'm on a tight fertility schedule here and I don't have time to waste!
By my count, I should be ovulating today, and all I can think about is how unbearable the next few weeks will be waiting to find out if this was our lucky month or not. 
Is there anyway to regain control of my over-active mind?! :-(

No House Yet :-(

     Well, someone swooped in and bid an outrageous amount on the house we were trying to get.  So that one is off the table.  Brad is pretty bummed.  As nice as it would have been to own a house, I'm okay with the way things turned out.  I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that this house just wasn't the one for us.  Sure, it would have been a huge step forward for us, but we LOVE our apartment and our current location allows us to use our cars much less.  That's a big plus for me since I walk to work.  We're still looking, and I'm sure we will find the right house eventually.
      On a different note, our balcony garden is coming along beautifully!  I recently blew a ton of money at Home Depot on gardening supplies and now that we're running out of space we're starting to use hanging baskets.  We're also starting to move some of the more resilient plants inside. I'd post pictures but with our computer being dead it's a bit of a challenge.
     XOXO

Maybe a Home Owner!

     Well, we put in the bid on our dream house.  We were the second highest bid. Oh well. It wasn't meant to be.
     Wait. What's that? The highest bid didn't provide all the necessary information? He only has twenty-four hours to correct the information or the house is ours!
     I don't know if I should be excited or puke.  I suppose I'll find out when we find out for sure.
     XOXO

House Hunting

     So, our laptop died.  I don't mean it just isn't working right.  I mean it's totally fried.  So forgive me if my posts are few and far between.
     In other news, Brad and I are trying to buy a house.  My parents found a dirt cheap fixer upper just a few miles from the house I grew up in.  It's NOTHING like what I dreamt of but it's three bedrooms, two baths on a tiny spit of dirt that we will get to call our own if this all goes through.
     The house needs major work on the floors among other things.  But for the price we're offering it's well worth it.  I am so thankful for my parents who are helping us so much.  They helped me get the loan (the house will be in my name so Brad can buy later as a first time buyer) and we are using their realator who is just incredible.
     All prayers and positive energies would be greatly appreicated!
     XOXO