Maybe a Home Owner!

     Well, we put in the bid on our dream house.  We were the second highest bid. Oh well. It wasn't meant to be.
     Wait. What's that? The highest bid didn't provide all the necessary information? He only has twenty-four hours to correct the information or the house is ours!
     I don't know if I should be excited or puke.  I suppose I'll find out when we find out for sure.
     XOXO

House Hunting

     So, our laptop died.  I don't mean it just isn't working right.  I mean it's totally fried.  So forgive me if my posts are few and far between.
     In other news, Brad and I are trying to buy a house.  My parents found a dirt cheap fixer upper just a few miles from the house I grew up in.  It's NOTHING like what I dreamt of but it's three bedrooms, two baths on a tiny spit of dirt that we will get to call our own if this all goes through.
     The house needs major work on the floors among other things.  But for the price we're offering it's well worth it.  I am so thankful for my parents who are helping us so much.  They helped me get the loan (the house will be in my name so Brad can buy later as a first time buyer) and we are using their realator who is just incredible.
     All prayers and positive energies would be greatly appreicated!
     XOXO

Our Love Story

     I've been dreading this day for two weeks.  When I found out I was pregnant I had planning on surprising Brad with his first Father's Day cards today; one from our unborn baby and one from me.  When I lost it this day seemed only to represent everything we couldn't celebrate.  But a few days ago I realized that today is also our seven month anniversary.
     To clarify, I'm not trying to have a baby with a man I've only known for seven months.  Brad and I met about two and a half years ago on a dating site.  I don't know what it was about him but as soon as I saw his picture I knew this was someone special and reading his profile confirmed it.  We had both just gotten out of relationships and wanted to test the waters.  So we talked, and texted, and FaceBooked for over a year.  I had boyfriends and breakups and he helped me through it all.
     One night after another bad break up Brad stayed up all night while I sent him what must have been hundreds of texts about how hopeless I felt.  I told him about the impossibly high standard my parent's had set for me, about the incredible childhood they'd given me, and how I just wanted to give my kids that same life.  I went on and on all night and Brad never stopped answering my over emotional texts and always reassured me that I could have my dream if I didn't give up.
     A few weeks later we went out for the first time.  We started going out about once a week to watch my friend's band play.  I wasn't sure if they were dates or not, but I had a lot of fun.  After a couple weeks he asked invited me to a party. I was pretty sure this was it, a real date.  I was excited and nervous all at the same time.  Unfortunately, the day of the party my best friend found out that her boyfriend had passed away and I obviously couldn't leave her at a time like that.  So the date was off.
     For some reason we didn't speak much after that.  I went on living my life.  After about six months I'd gone though a series of events that sent me to rock bottom.  I'd stopped going out with my friends. I generally stayed in my apartment and felt hopeless.  I thought back to the last time I'd felt so awful and remembered that long night when Brad had stayed up with me all night letting me get out all of my frustrations and fears. I instantly remembered the feeling I got the first time I saw his picture and it finally clicked in my head.  THIS was the guy I was supposed to be with.  I never really knew why we hadn't tried harder to date before, but I think it was because I still had too many mistakes left to make.  But at that moment I knew those days were over.  I was going to spend my life with this man and I needed to talk to him NOW.  I sent him a message and we started talking again like we had never stopped. 
     We started meeting for karaoke every week at the bar he frequented with his friends.  One night we closed the down the bar but still weren't ready to part ways.  So we walked around the city until sunrise asking each other random questions to get to know each other better.  We did the same thing a few weeks later when he met me for coffee.  That night we ran out of the comfortable questions and turned to the grittier, difficult topics.  In the early hours just after sunrise Brad held my hand for the first time and my heart almost beat it's way right out of my chest.  That is one of my favorite memories of us.
     In those early days we tried to come up with ways to express what being together felt like because it was so different than anything we had felt before.  Brad quoted Dr. Seuss.

      That really describes us better better than anything else.  How lucky am I that I found someone whose weirdness is so compatible with my own?  I can't wait to see where our weirdness takes us.
     XOXO

I'm Still Alive!

     I don't have much to update.  Still no baby. Still trying.  Still gardening.  Just passing time and waiting for nature to take its course.
     The only new development is that my mom asked me today if we were trying to have a baby and when I told her we were considering it (okay, so I fibbed a little bit) she was totally okay with it.  She did say she hoped we would get married first.  When I told her we'd talked about that too she went into full-blown wedding planning mode.  I was surprised that she was so supportive.  My parents have always encouraged me to wait to get married and have kids.  My mom was 34 and my dad was 39 when they had me and they always said that was perfect.  My mom also always told me I better not even think about getting married before 28. Being their only child, I've always felt that I'm still a kid in their eyes.  It means a lot to me that my mom understands that even though I might make choices they don't agree with they know that I can make the right choices for my life.  Having her support and knowing I can talk to her about all the changes in my life is a huge relief.
     XOXO

My Latest Hobby: The Balcony Garden

     I'll preface this post by warning anyone who actually reads it that this has nothing to do with the usual theme of my blog, with the exception that my interest in gardening was initiated by my desire to garden for my family in the future.
     When my parents got home from vacation they gave us a bunch of plastic pots, some potting soil, several African violets, and a distressed aloe vera plant. We had to carefully separate the aloe into several different pots because it was so over grown.

There's more but that's all that would fit int he frame.

The smallest pot is sage that hasn't sprouted yet.

     A couple days later we bought some more starter kits from the drug store and some extra seeds. 

Basil, catnip, and mint.

Tiny tomato sprouts.

     So, our balcony garden is well under way.  Next I hope to add lavender and  rosemary.  Any tips?
    XOXO

There Are No Words....

     So after the doctor's test came back negative we moved on and tried to deal with the fact that we were not going to be parents as soon as we'd thought.  After three negative we knew the doctor wouldn't have good news on Monday. We were confused as to how our tests could possibly go from positive to negative. But I went to work.  I cried.  I came home.  I cried.  And then --slowly-- things began to get easier.  It would happen one day.  Hope was not lost.
     Then Thursday, I thought I had gotten my period.  Okay, so the first four tests were wrong, the result of some bizarre  hormonal fluctuation or the birth control pills still working their way out of my system. That night I had terrible cramps.  They weren't exactly painful, just extremely uncomfortable to the point that I woke up every couple hours.  In the morning, I was so uncomfortable I considered calling in sick to work.  Once I was able to get the dogs outside for their walk I started feeling better.
     While I was at work, I knew something was wrong. This was NOT a normal period.  Once I was off work, I called the doctor and explained all of the recent events and what I was experiencing.  All of the evidence pointed towards a miscarriage.   Brad drove me to Urgent Care and I was examined.  The doctor said I seemed healthy and that I should be fine.  If the bleeding didn't stop in seven days I should see the doctor again.
     By the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted.  I just wanted to put this whole week behind me and move on.  I got through work yesterday just fine.   It was like any other day, except I noticed the way my body was changing, going back to normal.  I joked about it with Brad.  We went to dinner with Brad's aunt.  By the time we were heading home I was suddenly overcome by sadness.  I spent the entire ride home trying --and failing-- not to cry.  I didn't want Brad to notice.  I knew he was already upset about what had happened and I didn't want to add an extra burden.  After a very long nap on the couch I still wasn't feeling any better.  Brad took me to bed and I couldn't hide it anymore.  I completely broke down and he held me and told me that this was WORTH crying over.  He let me get all my thoughts out, that I felt like I'd failed him, that I couldn't feel my body going back to normal and I hated it, and I was terrified that this would happen again.  Being able to say it to him was a huge release.
     We talked for a long time about a lot of things.  We both felt that as hard as this has been, that it's shown us both how much we can count on each other for support.  He explained a lot of his thoughts and feelings about the baby and our loss and what he wanted for our future.  We talked about when we first met and why it took us almost two years to start dating.  It was comforting and helped me realize that no matter how hard things get, I have the most incredible partner and that these hard times show us how strong we are together.  I'm sure there will other times when all I want to do is come home and cry, and there's no one else in the world I'd rather come home and cry to than him.
    XOXO