We found out the gender!

It's hard to see in this picture, but on the right there is a computer cursor pointing to my son's family jewels. That's right, MY SON! Liam Allen David O'Conn. <3

It's Becoming Real....

     On Monday I saw the most incredible thing I've ever seen: I saw my baby move.  We sat in the dimly lit room watching a fuzzy screen as a ultrasound tech pressed a wand against my belly.  All of a sudden I saw what I knew was my little baby, but this tiny little miracle wasn't just curled up resting like I was expecting.  He (we have taken to referring to the baby as a male, but we don't know yet) was waving and kicking and even flipped! He looked like he was doing Tae Bo in my tummy!
     Now everything is starting to sink in. I'm going to be a mom.  I'm going to be responsible for another living being for the rest of my life. Forever.  I'm starting to worry about money.  I need a new car.  I'm scared that I won't be able to stay home after the baby is born.  I'm afraid that if I do need to go back to work, I won't have a job to go back too.  I'm afraid that I'll miss things.  I'm afraid that I'll make some terrible mistake that scares him or her for life.  I'm scared that I'll be a bad mom.
     I had a dream last night that I was telling someone how afraid I was that I couldn't do it.  In my dream, whoever I was talking to reached over and patted me on the head as if to say "Don't worry.  You can do this."  But I felt something physically touch my head hard enough to wake me up.  I looked up and it was my cat pushing on my head.  He has become strangely friendly since I got pregnant.  He sleeps with me every night and hangs out next to me on the couch every night when I get home.  But he has never woken me up before.  I'm not quite sure what that all means.
     I'm also dealing with the prospect of my parents selling my childhood home and moving across the country just a few months after the baby is born.  It scares me to have them so far away, but losing the home I grew up in scares me even more.  I grew up with seven acres of hills and trees around me, with coyotes and bobcats and mountain lions in the yard.  It was a beautiful, fascinating, magical place to grow up.  My parents always said they would leave it to me one day.  Now I'm trying desperately to find a way to keep it in the family so my children can experience the same awe and wonder that I did.  I am who I am because of that home.  I learned a love and respect of nature in all of it's forms.  I learned the value of wide open spaces.  I wake up every morning now to the sound of traffic in the street and it seems louder every day.  That house on the hill is nearly silent most of the time.  A single car on the street is a cause for attention.  Will my children ever know the beauty of silence without that house?  I wonder, and I am terrified.
     At the end of the day, I remind myself that I picked a wonderful partner to have a family with.  A man who loves with all his heart and shares the same core values that I have.  At my weakest points he has been my strength and times that could have torn us apart brought us closer together than I ever thought two people could be.  With him by my side I can figure it out.  I forget sometimes that creating a well-adjusted, happy human does not fall on my shoulders alone.  I have the best help in the world.  I love you, Brad.
    

My beautiful little love at 11 weeks 3 days. <3

Beautiful Little Baby

Monday was our first doctor's appointment. I was so nervous and excited. I didn't know what to think.
And then it didn't matter.  The second I saw that tiny blob and the flicker of a heart beat.  And then I HEARD it. The most beautiful 159 beats per minute that anyone has ever heard. My baby's heart beat.  I cried tears of joy and squeezed Brad's hand and wished I could listen to that "lub dub, lub dub" forever.
The doctor said everything looked perfect and I should be due May 17th.  Only about seven more months.  I can't believe it's really happening!

Still battling morning sickness....

     Yesterday I thought I had discovered the cure for morning sickness: Sea Bands.  I bought some after hearing what a miracle they were and within five minutes I felt fantastic. FINALLY!  Relief from my misery! This morning I woke up feeling ill, so I put my Sea Bands on and sat on the couch while I waited to feel fantastic again.  I flipped through some junk mail while I waited and came across a Denny's ad featuring what ordinarily would have looked like a damn tasty sandwich. I took one look at it, ran to the bathroom, and puked my brains out.  No easy feat considering I hadn't eaten anything.  So I moved to my next quick fix: ginger tea.  That did absolutely no good.  Then I decided to lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself before I had to drag myself to work. Surprisingly, that didn't help either.
     I don't know what to do!  I've actually been feeling better the last couple days.  I woke up without feeling sick instantly two days in a row.  I thought that meant I was getting better and this would be over soon.  Now I feel worse than ever!  I can hardly move or speak without wanting to throw up.  My only relief is sleep and I can only do so much of that.  I try to remind myself that this should be over in about six weeks or so and I try very hard not to cry when I think that I could do this for SIX MORE WEEKS! That is impossible!  How do women do this over and over again?  I thought labor and delivery was the worst part of being pregnant, and that results in a cute, cuddly baby.  Let me tell you, NOTHING resulting from morning sickness has been cute or cuddly so far.  If anyone has any suggestions, and I mean ANYTHING that might end this hell, please tell me!
     On a more positive note, my first doctor's appointment is on Monday.  I can't wait!  I'm nervous too, but I think that's pretty normal.  I'll be 8 weeks by then, so we should be able to see the heartbeat.  I've already warned Brad that I will cry so he better be ready for it.  I just keep holding onto the thought of seeing that little heartbeat for the first time and it's the only thing that reminds me why I'm willing to puke every fifteen minutes.

Morning sickness must die!

     I think it's finally starting! I haven't actually thrown up yet (but lord knows I've tried!) but I feel absolutely ill every morning.  From the time I wake up until usually about noon I just want to curl up and die.  So far I've found that water helps.  I took a short walk with the dogs this morning and that helped a little bit too. I bought a huge box of saltines today so hopefully that will put a dent in this.
     Also, I can't stop crying.  I cry about everything.  This week I cried over my dance class.  Our teacher started a new choreography and I had a hard time with one of the moves.  So I cried.  This happened a few days before I found out I was pregnant too.  WHAT THE HELL?! I hate it!  I might hate it even more than morning sickness!
     Finally, I think my mom knows I'm pregnant.  I haven't told her yet because I wanted to go to the doctor first.  Her birthday is just a few days after my appointment so I was going to give her the sonogram picture as a gift.  But my doctor's office sent my appointment card to her house --after they said they had set the system to not send one at all-- which says which department my appointment is in.  The night she received the card she sent me a random text at like, 10 pm telling me she loved me.  Then today she sent me a video that she insisted I HAD to watch if I wanted healthy babies.  And when I got on FaceBook today she had sent me a very emotional quote.  Something about a mother loving a daughter like her baby no matter how old she is and that even if she can't make all my decisions for me she will still support me no matter what.  I almost wish she would just ask me about it already!
     Ta ta for now!
     XOXO

I'm way too paranoid.

So today I decided my boobs didn't hurt as bad as they have lately. Instead of being grateful to be more comfortable I completely panicked. Something must be wrong. I must have lost the baby.  I tore the bathroom apart and found a long lost unused pregnancy test. I was terrified of what the results might be. No sooner had the pee hit the stick than a bright pink line showed up clearer and quicker than ever.  I feel so silly but so relieved!

Mommy Fear

     I can tell Brad is afraid we will lose this one too. I can tell when he says "Let's wait to tell your family until things aren't so delicate."  I can tell because he has only told two of his close friends when before he told, like, five.
     In my heat, I feel that this one is safe. This has felt different from the beginning.  Still, last night as I tried to go to sleep I was overcome with fear.  I can't lose this one.  I just can't. I'll do whatever it takes to keep my baby safe and healthy. All the statistics say that having one miscarriage doesn't increase your chances of having another one. There's no reason to panic.  Right?