Still battling morning sickness....

     Yesterday I thought I had discovered the cure for morning sickness: Sea Bands.  I bought some after hearing what a miracle they were and within five minutes I felt fantastic. FINALLY!  Relief from my misery! This morning I woke up feeling ill, so I put my Sea Bands on and sat on the couch while I waited to feel fantastic again.  I flipped through some junk mail while I waited and came across a Denny's ad featuring what ordinarily would have looked like a damn tasty sandwich. I took one look at it, ran to the bathroom, and puked my brains out.  No easy feat considering I hadn't eaten anything.  So I moved to my next quick fix: ginger tea.  That did absolutely no good.  Then I decided to lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself before I had to drag myself to work. Surprisingly, that didn't help either.
     I don't know what to do!  I've actually been feeling better the last couple days.  I woke up without feeling sick instantly two days in a row.  I thought that meant I was getting better and this would be over soon.  Now I feel worse than ever!  I can hardly move or speak without wanting to throw up.  My only relief is sleep and I can only do so much of that.  I try to remind myself that this should be over in about six weeks or so and I try very hard not to cry when I think that I could do this for SIX MORE WEEKS! That is impossible!  How do women do this over and over again?  I thought labor and delivery was the worst part of being pregnant, and that results in a cute, cuddly baby.  Let me tell you, NOTHING resulting from morning sickness has been cute or cuddly so far.  If anyone has any suggestions, and I mean ANYTHING that might end this hell, please tell me!
     On a more positive note, my first doctor's appointment is on Monday.  I can't wait!  I'm nervous too, but I think that's pretty normal.  I'll be 8 weeks by then, so we should be able to see the heartbeat.  I've already warned Brad that I will cry so he better be ready for it.  I just keep holding onto the thought of seeing that little heartbeat for the first time and it's the only thing that reminds me why I'm willing to puke every fifteen minutes.

Morning sickness must die!

     I think it's finally starting! I haven't actually thrown up yet (but lord knows I've tried!) but I feel absolutely ill every morning.  From the time I wake up until usually about noon I just want to curl up and die.  So far I've found that water helps.  I took a short walk with the dogs this morning and that helped a little bit too. I bought a huge box of saltines today so hopefully that will put a dent in this.
     Also, I can't stop crying.  I cry about everything.  This week I cried over my dance class.  Our teacher started a new choreography and I had a hard time with one of the moves.  So I cried.  This happened a few days before I found out I was pregnant too.  WHAT THE HELL?! I hate it!  I might hate it even more than morning sickness!
     Finally, I think my mom knows I'm pregnant.  I haven't told her yet because I wanted to go to the doctor first.  Her birthday is just a few days after my appointment so I was going to give her the sonogram picture as a gift.  But my doctor's office sent my appointment card to her house --after they said they had set the system to not send one at all-- which says which department my appointment is in.  The night she received the card she sent me a random text at like, 10 pm telling me she loved me.  Then today she sent me a video that she insisted I HAD to watch if I wanted healthy babies.  And when I got on FaceBook today she had sent me a very emotional quote.  Something about a mother loving a daughter like her baby no matter how old she is and that even if she can't make all my decisions for me she will still support me no matter what.  I almost wish she would just ask me about it already!
     Ta ta for now!
     XOXO

I'm way too paranoid.

So today I decided my boobs didn't hurt as bad as they have lately. Instead of being grateful to be more comfortable I completely panicked. Something must be wrong. I must have lost the baby.  I tore the bathroom apart and found a long lost unused pregnancy test. I was terrified of what the results might be. No sooner had the pee hit the stick than a bright pink line showed up clearer and quicker than ever.  I feel so silly but so relieved!

Mommy Fear

     I can tell Brad is afraid we will lose this one too. I can tell when he says "Let's wait to tell your family until things aren't so delicate."  I can tell because he has only told two of his close friends when before he told, like, five.
     In my heat, I feel that this one is safe. This has felt different from the beginning.  Still, last night as I tried to go to sleep I was overcome with fear.  I can't lose this one.  I just can't. I'll do whatever it takes to keep my baby safe and healthy. All the statistics say that having one miscarriage doesn't increase your chances of having another one. There's no reason to panic.  Right?

Dear Tadpole....

     My dearest, darling, tiny tadpole (so called because that's what my pregnancy book says you look like right now),
     Two days ago two little pink lines confirmed that you were growing inside of me. But I've known for at least a week now.  I felt my body changing like it changed a few months ago. But I felt something different too. I don't know how to explain it, but I knew you were there, I knew I was going to be you're mommy.
     We don't get to go to the doctor until the first of October, but according to my pregnancy tracker I'll get to meet you in about 35 weeks.  I'm reading everything I can about what to do to keep you safe and healthy and about what you're probably doing right now.  I eat lots of veggies (still nit a big fan of fruit)
And I try to stay active but by the time I get off work I'm usually exhausted so I've been going to bed early too.
     I can't wait to see you, my precious little tadpole. Until then, stay safe and let me protect you until you're ready to come into the world.
    Love,
     Mommy
     XOXO

Mommy Strength

     A few months ago the pet salon I work in hired a new groomer, B.  She is one of the sweetest people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. She recently spend some time trying to comfort my best friend (she works with us too) about the tragic death of her boyfriend about a year and a half ago. B explained that she lost her husband under similar circumstances many years ago.  She went on to explain her troubled childhood which led to an equally troubled adulthood and that she wanted to give her son a happier life than she had.
    Recently B received some heart breaking news and exposed more of her life to us.  Her son --who is now in this thirties-- was born with Leukemia. B was still a teenager and had no way to provide him with the necessary medical care, so she chose to give him up for adoption.  Luckily, the family who took him have always allowed her to maintain a relationship with her son and they are very close.
     Last week, the only father B's son has ever known passed away.  B was heartbroken not only for her son, but because she had never gotten the chance to tell his man how grateful she was he would give her son what she could not and still allowed her to be a part of their family.
     Ever since B explained this all I have really been thinking about how strong you have to be to be a mother.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to decide to give up a child, even if you weren't planning to be a mother in the first place.  But to have the intention of keeping your child only to find out that he will DIE if you don't give him up... that's just unbearable. 
     I hope and pray that the child I will have one day (soon I hope!) is healthy. That is perhaps my biggest fear about being a parent, that my child will be sick and there will be nothing I can do to help him (or her).  So for any of you reading who are lucky enough to see your beautiful babies ever day, don't take a single moment for granted.  You are blessed.
     XOXO