Setting a Good Example: Love & Relationships

    A few weeks before my twenty-first birthday I ended yet another doomed relationship.  Prior to dating, the guy had been one of my best friends and we had had a crush on each other since high school.  After six months of nonstop drama I realized that we weren't heading in the same direction and that I didn't want to waste anymore of my life with him.  The next day my parents had to have my horse (and the first boy I'd ever loved) put to sleep.  I decided that if there was ever a time to drown my sorrows, this was the time.  Brad texted me through several large drinks and let me vent about how frustrating it was trying to find someone with common goals.  I told him my parents had set an impossibly high standard for what love was supposed to be like.  My dad worked hard so my mom could stay at home with me and he still found the strength to take care of all of the yard work when he got home every night.  They weren't perfect, but they were still the happiest couple I'd ever known.
     I never thought that less than a year later I'd have the same relationship with him that my parents have with each other. Now that we are trying to start a family of our own I'm thinking more about the kind of values I want to teach my children about love and relationships. So here we go!

1: Gut instincts are usually right. If you feel like something is wrong, it most likely is. And if you see someone for the first time and feel like you've just seen the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you just might.

2: Real love isn't easy.  You will get angry.  You will argue. Sometimes you may miss the single days when you could do whatever you want.  But if it's real love, the thought of leaving is unthinkable.

3: Real love is the easiest thing in the world: A bit contradicting, I know. But I promise, it's true.  You may bicker over money or taking out the trash.  But when it's real love being together comes naturally.  And when the big problems hit, your partner will be the best support you have.

4: Alone time is important.  Go out with your friends without your partner.  Sit alone in a coffee shop and read a book. Let your partner go out with his or her friends without the guilt of leaving your behind.  If you throw all of your energy into your relationship you wont have any energy left to be yourself.

5: Date night is important: I think some people feel like date night is frivolous, but it's not!  My parents spent twenty years focusing on getting the bills paid and giving me a good life.  I can't remember a time they did anything just for themselves.  That took it's toll.  After I moved out I noticed my parents taking weekend trips and going out to dinner and all of a sudden they became so much happier.  Make time to appreciate your partner and your will both be happier.

6: Be polite.  Don't forget your manners just because you've become comfortable with someone.  Say "please" and "thank you." Don't interrupt (I need to work on this one).  If you feel the urge to snap, think about what a stranger would think of you if they heard you saying whatever is trying to spill out of your mouth.  Think about how you would feel if your partner said the same thing to you.  Do your best to think before you speak and apologize when you slip.

7: Be strong enough to say "I'm sorry."  There will be times when you simply screw up.  We all do it.  When that time comes, be courageous and apologize.  It will go a long way.  But don't let your partner make you feel like you should feel bad for simply being different.  Hopefully you're gut instinct will tell you when this is happening.

He's hired!

Brad finished training in two days! He starts work Monday!  YAAAAAY!

Everything is falling into place....

Me and baby Jesse. <3

    I got to meet my latest nephew, Jesse, over the weekend.  Brad and I went to visit his mommy and I got to hang out with her and the boys (Christine and Eric had a twenty-month-old as well) while Brad worked on her car. I've actually never held a baby as young as Jesse (two and a half-weeks old at the time), and I LOVED it.  I forgot how much I missed babies.  Even the diaper changes made me happy.  In addition to meeting the new addition, I finally got his older brother, James, to warm up to me.  He has always loved Uncle Brad, who lived with them for a few months when James was still an infant.  But he has cried whenever we made eye contact for too long.  In the comfort of his own home he was completely different.  I got lots of hugs and slobbery kisses.  It was magical for me.
    Brad has started training for his new job this week!  After months of waiting to hear something --ANYTHING!-- he finally got called in for training and he should be ready for work in a week or so.  This is huge for us.  This job will give him (us, once we're married) health and dental benefits, and he will be making enough that I can stay home.  I'm practically counting down the days until I can quit my job. 
    This has also meant our schedule must change.  Brad has been able to sleep as late as he wants for the past few months while I've had to get up at 6 am to take care of the animals and get ready for work.  After I got home we would spend a few hours together until I fell to sleep on the couch, and Brad would wake me up to go to bed when he finally got tired several hours later.  Now we both get up at 5am (NOOO!!!!) and I pour him his coffee and warm him up something for breakfast while he regains consciousness.  While gets ready I pack his lunch and make sure he has his sunscreen and bottles of water.  A little after 7 I get a quick kiss and an "I love you," and then he's out the door.  This routine will start even earlier once he starts working.  I always used to make fun of my mom for waking up with my dad every day and making his coffee (and his breakfast, and his lunch...) before he left.  "He's a grown man," I would say. "He can make his own sandwich at four in the morning!"  Now that my dad has helped get Brad a job at the same company, I understand.  It's not just about doing something nice for him.  It's about showing support and gratitude for what he is doing for ME.  In a few months, I'll be able to stay at home and still live more comfortably than I did when I worked to support both of us.  And in time, I will be able to enjoy every beautiful moment of our child while he slaves away long days in terrible weather to keep us fed and happy.  He is blessing me with the life I have always wanted.
    I am hoping that now that this job is falling into place that other things will follow.  Brad's best friend --who has been impossibly understanding and supportive of our choice to have a family and who showed great concern for me when we lost the last pregnancy-- always says we will get a baby when the time is right.  I hope and pray that now is that time.  I think trying to conceive will be less stressful now that his job is getting started and will take a lot off of my mind.
    Wish us luck!
    XOXO

To the one I lost....

To you, the tiny being I never got to know, there is never a day I don't think about you.  There is never a day I don't think about that hard spot I could feel in my stomach, the spot I lost when I lost you. The other day your daddy and I were in a store and stopped to look at baby stuff.  He stopped behind me and wrapped his arms around me and suddenly I wondered how different things would be if you were still growing inside me. I wondered if you were a boy or a girl.  I wondered if you would have my curls and your fathers warm eyes. I wondered what you would have looked like in your grandfather's arms the first time he held you.  I cried right there in the isle.
I don't know how long it is acceptable to mourn you and when I just become the crazy, bitter woman who can't deal with life.  I only even knew you existed for less than a week before you were gone.  Am I supposed to still think about you every day, to wonder why you're gone, to wonder if you'll ever make it into this world and into my arms? Is it sick that you're all I want to talk about because talking about you makes it feel like you're not so far away?
Sometimes when I stop and think too long my throat aches and I can't breath and I feel so desperately lost without you, the tiny being I never got to know.
As I'm writing, a woman has just walked passed the door to the shop. Her belly is so huge and she's holding her husband's hand in the sunshine and I just want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
The doctors say that this just happens sometimes, but I can't force myself to believe it.  Something had to have happened, right? Something went wrong and I lost you.  What happened? What did I do?
I felt like a failure to your father when I couldn't keep you safe and I feel like a failure now for not being strong enough to keep my shit together while your father remains so calm, so strong.  Months later and here I am, broken down in tears at work trying not to look like a mess while customers come and go.
This grief is so sickening and sometimes it sneaks up on me and tears me down before I can prepare for it.  But you gave me the first taste of motherhood.  Because of you I know what it's like to love your father in a way that's only possible when you've created life with that person, and I know that I can get my strength from him when I can't be strong for myself anymore.
I may never know you little one, but I will always, ALWAYS love you.